Goodnight, Asia, You’ve Been Great

Colin L. Powell has a lot of classy credentials: war hero, four-star general, national security advisor for one president, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff for a second, and secretary of State for a third.

But in Brunei, the usually dignified diplomat added a couple of new titles: crooner and ham.

In the midst of an exhausting eight-nation tour of Asia, Powell took a break Thursday night to perform--part of an annual ritual that closes Asia’s largest security meeting, the Assn. of Southeast Asian Nations Regional Forum.

The performance also parodied Powell’s rocky road during the past year.

Last year, at his first performance in front of colleagues from 23 countries, Powell bombed. Badly warbling a parody of Marty Robbins’ 1959 hit “El Paso,” a favorite country and western song from his early days in the Army, Powell played the kerchiefed cowboy vying for the love of a Mexican barmaid. Except that last year the setting was Vietnam, where the summit was held, and the Mexican barmaid was played by Japan’s female foreign minister, Makiko Tanaka.

The poor reviews, which led even his own staff to advise Powell to keep his day job, were the gist of the skit this year, which combined videotape from Washington with on-stage clowning and song that parodied complaints about Powell’s voice.

In a dubbed version of his State of the Union address, President Bush apologized to the nation for Powell’s performance--and promised he wouldn’t embarrass the nation again.

Mock demonstrations protested Powell’s singing outside the State Department. Placards implored: “Gotta song in your heart? Keep it there!”

In a videotaped call, Richard L. Armitage, Powell’s longtime friend and now his deputy, implored his boss, “I’m begging you--don’t sing at this year’s ASEAN. Last year you set back relations 10 years.”

A mock newscast cited Washington grapevine claims that a secret search was on to replace Powell with someone who could sing, with U2 lead singer Bono, who is chummy with Bush and several of his other Cabinet officials, heading the list.

Powell’s wife, Alma, also got on the phone to her husband, reminding him that their three children couldn’t leave the house for weeks from the shame of his skit. She begged him not to humiliate the family again.

The “reaction” was not only domestic. A dubbed tape purported to show the Chinese National People’s Congress voting to oppose any effort by the Americans to sing at ASEAN. Similar votes were taken in Japan, South Korea, Thailand and Malaysia, a top aide warned Powell.

On stage, Powell insisted that he really is a song-and-dance man. Up flashed images of ABBA, his favorite band, with Powell’s head superimposed on one of the Swedish singers. Several summers ago, he added, he toured as an Elvis impersonator. Up popped a picture of his head atop Elvis’ body.

And he reminded everyone that he got rave reviews for his routine with the Bolshoi Ballet. Up popped a picture of two dancers in leotards--with Powell and his Russian counterpart, Foreign Minister Igor S. Ivanov--leaping in the air.

But it wasn’t enough. In a final videotaped call orchestrated by the White House, Bush warned Powell that he was tired of hearing Russian President Vladimir V. Putin gloat about Russia’s skit from the year before.

“We’re a proud nation,” Bush declared. “I hired you to be the best.”

Powell countered that he’s been busy with the Middle East, Afghanistan, the near-war between India and Pakistan and assorted other crises.

“Yeah, whatever,” replied Bush. “Start practicing.”

Powell then turned to the crowd and crooned.

Backed up by his staff, he sang rewritten lyrics to the tune of “South Pacific’s” “Some Enchanted Evening.”

“Some Bruneian evening, ASEAN is laughing,” he began in a mellow and much improved baritone.

“Despite last year’s mess, as strange as it seems,

“Our secretary of State will still want to sing.

“Who can explain it, who can tell you why,

“Fools keep on singing, wise men never try.”

It brought down the house then, and later in a reprise for the press traveling with him.