You Have to Be Stubborn to Really Appreciate Her

I have to admit, I’m surprised. Some women e-mailed to say I don’t give females the attention they deserve, although I spent as much time as I could looking around in the Sparks’ locker room Saturday before they asked me to leave.

Frankly, I don’t know how much more attention I can give to Anna Kournikova and Lisa Guerrero. I know Guerrero is not an athlete, but she talks about athletes and so I think she deserves my undivided attention, which causes a real problem when the wife is home and she wants to talk about what’s going on in her life.

You can mute Guerrero, of course, but I’ve learned it’s not a good idea to tell the wife she’s blocking the view of our big-screen TV. That’s probably the reason why I haven’t been able to give women their due--because my wife is standing in front of the TV.

And as much as the wife likes to talk, now I’m concerned I might never see Kournikova win a tennis tournament.

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NOW I thought I was being nice the other day when I acted as if I was interested in the Sparks. Some women are upset, though, and let me tell you, if you have women constantly telling you to get lost, you can begin to develop a complex. I was in high school, and so I know what that’s like. College, too.

I know I wasn’t invited to the Sparks’ singles mixer because I’m married, but I wonder now if that would have made a difference. I’m not sure there’s any way to please some of these people, which makes me wonder if they’ll appreciate my desire to tell this story about a wonderful female athlete who regularly beats the guys in head-to-head competition like no other female in any sport.

I mean she really kicks mule. Now I know what word comes to your mind so easily, but I’m a stickler for accuracy, and while everyone knows a donkey is an ass, Black Ruby, the greatest female of them all, is really a mule, and she really kicks mule.

Now you can imagine the reaction of the watch dogs from the “Women Watching Sports News” organization if they start reading this story in the wrong place, and I’m talking about the greatest female athlete I know, and referring to her as half ass.

Black Ruby is, of course, because to get a mule you have to mate a donkey with a horse. Female mules are known as Mollies. Male mules, by the way, are called Johns, and I’ve already pressed my luck with the Women Watching Sports News, so I think I’ll just continue without further wisecrack.

Black Ruby has run 54 times in her career and has won 47 races against mostly male opponents. She has never finished worse than third, and on Sept. 8 at Del Mar she will run a match race against Taz, the best male in the mule business.

“As Taz has gotten older he’s become more impressive,” trainer Ed Burdick said. “He’s changed physically and gotten better looking with age.”

Obviously some of us have some things in common with male mules, but because of my sensitivity training I didn’t ask Burdick how the female mule has aged over the years, but apparently he has read some of my stuff.

“You probably want to know that’s she’s very striking to look at,” said Burdick, “but believe me, she’s no 10.”

It really doesn’t matter what she looks like, of course, because if we were interested only in the good-looking competitors we’d be writing just about Kournikova, or what the Williams’ sisters are wearing, or that volleyball babe.

“Black Ruby knows she’s special; we treat her special,” said Mary McPherson, the mule’s owner. “She gets a bigger pen at home.”

Obviously some of us have some things in common with female mules; my wife gets the bigger closet.

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PERFORMANCE IS all that should matter in women’s sports, and Black Ruby has consistently beaten Taz--until last weekend when they strapped eight extra pounds to her back, allowing Taz to nip her at the finish line.

“She’s had to hook males all her life,” said jockey Jim Burns, who has ridden Black Ruby 46 times--winning 42 of those races. “I can’t think of any other female that hooks males all the time, and wins.”

If anyone out there knows of a female who hooks males all the time, and wins, I would appreciate knowing.

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SOME TRACKS allow only win bets when Black Ruby is competing, because they were taking a loss with the public putting down as much as $500,000 on her to finish no lower than third.

“She’s known all over the world,” McPherson said. “She probably takes after the thoroughbred in her mother, My Satinette, rather than in her donkey father, Two Bals, because she runs more like a horse with big strides. In her case all the genes are lined up in the right place.”

Black Ruby’s mom and dad are no longer with us, but in their 10-year-old daughter racing fans have the closest thing ever to a sure bet, which leads me to believe that Curtis Crayon is out there somewhere betting on someone to beat Black Ruby.

“There’s no question Black Ruby is very special and nobody really knows why. Why is Tiger as good as he is?” Burdick said. “In this sport, folks lean toward acquiring female mules because for some reason they just seem to be more dominant day in and day out than the males. Sometimes, however, the ladies are a little tougher to handle....”

I’m not going there because I’m a changed man.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Ray Butler:

“If you can’t imagine the Bagger getting off your sofa, now you know how I feel about your column on page two of my sports section.”

Then you know how I’m going to feel when he says: “Till death do us part.”

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com