America to Enron: We’d Like to Buy a Vowel
Americans -- never a gang to shy from the delicate art of grave-picking -- proved themselves to be savvy holiday shoppers last week by grabbing up vestiges of the bankrupt Enron Corp. at auction. In the second of three planned white sales, an avalanche of items was put on the block, then flew off the shelves at bargain rates: Fancy office furniture went for a song, as did computer equipment, 60-inch plasma TVs, even a foosball table.
But the most prized lot among collectors was a handful of Enron logo sculptures -- featuring the now-infamous tilted E (or, as some have smirkingly labeled it, “the crooked E”).
A computer store employee bought a 5-by-5-foot stainless steel E that stood guard outside an Enron branch office, paying $44,000; a Houston chemist snagged a similar E for $10,000; and an unidentified guy in a silver Ferrari snapped up the disco version of the letter -- a rotating black E whose colorful neons once lighted up Enron’s lobby -- for 33 grand.
Although I’m confident that these alphabetical artifacts will make delightful conversation pieces, perhaps Enron could have burnished what remains of its stained image by not selling these items but instead donating them to those who really need a giant E in their lives, such as:
* eBay: Currently the world’s premiere online auction company, eBay successfully survived the bubble burst that vanquished most of the e-traders, e-tailers and mixed e-nuts that once crowded the electronic corridors of the Internet. Now that it’s playing in the big leagues, however, shouldn’t eBay -- little e, big B is the company’s style -- finally reward itself with a big E? Little boys ultimately graduate to long pants, after all; and it’s not as though corporate logos don’t adapt to changing times. The New England Patriots snazzed up their helmets and won the Super Bowl; Coca-Cola hopes to boost sales by adding condensation bubbles to its classic red-and-white ribbon insignia. Similarly, wouldn’t eBay command more authority as EBay? Just call it a simple typeface lift.
* President Bush: One thing that really bothers me about our president is his inability to pronounce the word “nuclear” correctly. Instead, he proudly says “nuke-yoo-lar,” a flagrant error that would rattle me whoever the speaker might be but is doubly disturbing when spoken by the guy who’s got his finger on the button. Still, if someone from the White House could arrange to install one of the leftover Enron E’s directly adjacent to Bush’s desk in the Oval Office, perhaps it would serve as a subtle reminder to the president that the correct pronunciation is “nuke-LEE-ar.” (Or, to paraphrase “The Music Man,” “it’s a capital E and that rhymes with ‘lee’ and that stands for boom.”)
* Public education: Face it, the American school system isn’t getting any better, as grade-point averages and classroom attendance drop faster than Al Roker’s pants size. But we’re wasting time trying to slow this academic free fall by tinkering with standardized tests and dubious voucher programs. Instead, why not update the classic grading system -- the old A, B, C, D, F formula -- by adding another letter to the lineup? I think high schoolers would thrive if permitted one more level of poor performance (marked by a leaning E) before flunking out entirely.
In fact, using the real Enron fiasco as a model, teachers would simply suspend tilted-E students, and perhaps even offer them severance packages. And if this helped nudge the nation’s school system back on course, maybe we could then bring in ex-Arthur Andersen executives to teach the kids the new math.
* Eminem: I’ve always assumed that the reason I never listen to Eminem is because 1) I’m 46 years old, and 2) I despise rap music. Yet on further reflection, maybe the reason the potty-mouthed rap master leaves me cold is because his name just lies there, flatter than the notes he croaks out between expletives. But maybe if Eminem began his name with that familiar cockeyed E, I’d be curious enough to give a few of his disks a spin. Indeed, such a transformation might persuade Eminem himself to imbue his lyrics with more pointed social commentary, perhaps even about corporate corruption in America today. After all, no one at Enron seems interested in taking the rap.
