Fear, loathing and the SUV

Hi, my name is Jim, and I drive an SUV.

Hi, Jim.

Hi. Umm, this is my first meeting of SUV Owners Anonymous, and I’m a little nervous.

Don’t be, Jim, we’re all the same here, we’ve all experienced the loathing, the obscene gestures, the other drivers making eye contact and mouthing the word “die.”

Really? So people hate all of you as much as they hate me?

Oh, I wouldn’t go that far, Jim, but ... why don’t you tell us your story.

Of course, sure.

Let’s see, well, I bought my SUV three years ago, and I was hooked right away. I loved the rugged styling, the big engine, the four-wheel drive, the glass all around and the way you looked down on everyone else. But you know what mattered the most to me? Size.

Looking back, I can see there might have been some kind of repressed sexual thing going on.

I say this because, at the time, I was having a recurring dream in which this beautiful woman asks me what kind of SUV I drive, and I tell her a Crown Viagra.

Anyway.

I thought I owned the road. I was always speeding and tailgating and cutting people off. And I’d never signal because, hey, only the little people signal.

Yeah, I was once a psycho suburban road warrior, and getting crazier all the time. It got to the point where I wouldn’t even associate with anyone who got more than 10 miles per gallon.

Then, a few weeks ago, I hit rock-bottom.

It was snowing out, and I was sitting in traffic fuming because some subcompact up ahead didn’t have the traction to make it over a speed bump.

Suddenly, I found myself seriously thinking -- and I mean seriously thinking -- about dropping it into four-wheel and off-roading it over a half-dozen or so manicured lawns to get around the backup.

I see several of you nodding, so you know what it took to beat back that impulse. Afterward, shivering in the chilled shadows of a cold sweat, I had a major revelation: As an SUV owner, I belonged to a club that would have me as a member.

So, I guess that’s my story. I’m just trying to take it slow now, not looking too far down the road, and trying to stay out of the passing lane one day at a time. Thanks for listening.

(Applause.)

Thank you, Jim, I know that was difficult. Just one thing, we usually like a speaker to tell everyone how long it has been since they last drove an SUV.

Geez, I’m not sure. How long have I been here?

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Jim Shea is a columnist for the Hartford Courant, a Tribune company.