Follow the Bouncing Conversation

A new year beckons, which is good news for at least two teams around here.

Lakers: Hi! We’re your defending three-time champs! We know we’ve got you a little worried but that’s nothing, compared to what we’re feeling here at Ground Zero. We’ve all been a little cavalier, but we’ll try our best to dig ourselves out of this hole. If we can’t, hey, live and learn, or get busted and learn faster.

Shaquille O’Neal: I resolve to get over it, just as soon as they get me eight teammates who can play.

Mitch Kupchak: What do you mean by “can play”?

O’Neal: Let’s say, good enough to make the Kings’ roster.

Kupchak: In that case, do you think you could get by with four teammates who can play?

Phil Jackson: No, really, after the holidays we’ll make our move. I’m thinking next Labor Day.

Charley Rosen: Not that this came from Phil or Tex Winter or anyone else giving me a ride to the hotel, but if Kobe Bryant would just pass more sometimes, and shoot more at others, the Lakers would be fine.

Bryant: Hello, Mike? It’s Kobe again.

Michael Jordan: I learned my lesson this time. No more comebacks, ever. In basketball, anyway.

Donald T. Sterling: I’m puzzled again. I still want to win as much as I ever did.

Clipper fans (in unison): That’s the problem.

Sterling: No, seriously. It’s like I told my friend, T.J., when last I tried to embrace him, if Elgin Baylor wants to keep those little whiners, we will, as long he uses his own money. By the way, if you’re so hot to keep them, you can kick in a few bucks too.

David Stern: First, let me say how pleased we are to have survived, er, to be here. With our continuing efforts at globalization and with the development of our young stars, it’s good to be back where we belong as a new millennium dawns before us.

Russ Granik: Uh, David, our attendance is actually still a little soft ...

Stern: The millennium I’m talking about is the 3000s. We’ll be OK by then, won’t we?

Portland Trail Blazer owner Paul Allen: Bob, you know I prefer to stay in the background while I’m out buying one of everything. But I’m worried that by staying silent, it makes it look as if I’m OK with this little reign of terror our guys seem to be visiting upon Portland.

Trail Blazer General Manager Bob Whitsitt: No problem. I asked the guys to be more careful. They said from now on, they’ll be little angels. By the way, did you see that the Cleveland Cavaliers suspended Ricky Davis for going off on John Lucas and most of his teammates? We already have about four guys at his position, but we could pick him up and he has only an $18-million deal.

Allen: Sure. I think I have that much on me.

Stern: In the meantime, does anyone want to buy a women’s league, only slightly tarnished?

Madison Square Garden President James Dolan: I told the press what a great team we have, but I don’t think they’re going for it. We’re losing, our players are old and no one wants any of them. Oh, and we’re going to have to come up with $40 million in luxury tax this summer.

Cablevision CEO Charles Dolan: That’s OK, son.

Charlotte (N.C.) Mayor Pat McCrory: Let’s see, we can keep the Hornets with George Shinn and Ray Wooldridge, or start all over with Larry Bird and an expansion team. We’ll take the expansion team! Here’s the new arena you needed. Oh, Larry won’t be joining us?

Bird: Talk about a broken dream. Someone else puts up $300 million and I get a piece of an NBA franchise. This is heartbreaking. Oh, well, back to Florida and more golf.

Paul Tagliabue, Bud Selig and Gary Bettman: Give us this again: You’ve got this city that hates your owners so much, it won’t build them another arena to replace the other one that it built, which is only 14 years old, so they split ... and then you put another expansion franchise and get another arena in the same city? For, like, 10 times the original $32.5 million?

Stern: I had no choice.

Tagliabue, Selig and Bettman: We’re not worthy!

Shinn: To show our commitment to morality as well as championship basketball, we’ll ask a dignitary to offer a prayer before each game. Please stand for tonight’s invocation by New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin.

Nagin: Bless us all with health and peace, take the Hornets to the NBA Finals and if we run into the Lakers, please have the Earth open up under Shaq’s feet and swallow him whole. Amen.

Ernie Johnson: Charles, they’re coming back to us, turn off “Blind Date” and get over here.

Charles Barkley: Like I was saying, Jay Williams will still wind up being the rookie of the year, or I’ll kiss Kenny Smith’s donkey again!

Donkey: Do I get a vote in this?

Faces and Figures

Now it’s the Sacramento Kings’ turn: Said Vlade Divac after their Christmas Day victory over the Lakers, “They are not close to the team we played in the playoffs. It’s much harder to play the Clippers. But if we play our game, we know we can beat anybody.”

King co-owner Joe Maloof, who reportedly spent $30,000 on four courtside seats, on O’Neal’s “Queens” jab: “We made some jerseys and shirts that read ‘Sacramento Queens’ for our team store. They’re not our bestsellers, but it’s been worth it.”

Boston’s Paul Pierce, told that Miami’s Caron Butler says he patterned his game after Pierce’s: “I guess it’s sort of like a compliment as for how far I’ve come. But I’m like, man, I’m 25 and there are 17-year-olds and 18-year-olds coming into the league.” ... Chicago’s Jalen Rose, whose school, Michigan, forfeited the games he played there, on being told that Ron Mercer is wearing his old No. 5 with the Indiana Pacers: “Someone will probably be wearing it in Ann Arbor soon, since I don’t have a college career anymore.”

Milwaukee’s Sam Cassell, on underachieving teammate Tim Thomas: “He’s talented enough that we don’t have to spoon-feed him. You’ve got to go get it and I think he realizes that. Tim has to pick his times when he has to go. He has to get himself involved. That’s what good players do. Only centers let the guards get them involved. You’re a big guy, but you ain’t a center. Chase the ball.” ... Cleveland’s Davis, challenging Indiana’s Ron Artest for the unofficial title of wackiest great player, woofed and laughed in the Pistons’ faces en route to his third 40-point night in the Cavaliers’ recent upset. Said Detroit’s Corliss Williamson, “It ticks you off, but if you think about it, if you were having the type of game he was, you would probably be doing the same thing. I really wanted to get a hard foul on him, but I never could.”

Karl Malone, bristling at criticism about shooting a career-low 42% -- he’s a lifetime 52% shooter who never dipped under 49% until last season -- argued at practice with Coach Jerry Sloan, who had previously noted, “If you’re running the pick and roll and you don’t roll, you can blame somebody else all you want, but who’s supposed to roll? Somebody else roll for you? You can punish other people all you want, but you’ve got to accept responsibility.”

The Jazz then won in Dallas, Memphis and Houston.

After a storm had knocked out the lights during the Houston Rockets’ game with Utah, the teams agreed to finish with only half of them back on. The Jazz players proceeded to make their last four shots, showing, said the Houston Chronicle’s Jonathan Feigen, they can, indeed, run their offense in the dark.... Orlando’s Grant Hill, after shooting three for 17 and taking 15 rebounds in a victory over the Pistons: “I was doing my best Ben Wallace impression.”