Tossing Out a Few Crumbs of Comfort to the Unfortunate
Your heart just has to go out to ... geez, where to begin?
There are so many people to feel sorry for these days, and, hey, I’d like to help everyone. But that’s not possible, so I’m limiting my advice to those folks whose situations pull particularly hard on the old heartstrings. Such as:
* Kenneth Lay: Kenny Boy, after people get done suing you, you may be forced to live on odd jobs, Social Security and your $475,042 annual lifetime pension. Just don’t fall into the trap of relying on credit cards to make ends meet. Granted, this will be hard for you, what with the temptation to amass the appearance of wealth through plastic pyramid schemes. Oh, and tell your wife to use an extra cup of bread crumbs with the meatloaf. It will make it go a lot further.
* John Ashcroft: Mr. Attorney General, putting $8,000 worth of curtains on statues in the Hall of Justice is not only expensive, it’s major-league weird.
Still, if you insist on playing Barbies with the “Spirit of Justice,” why not dress her in a sassy little push-up number from Victoria’s Secret? The lingerie, which could be changed periodically, would really add some much-needed pizazz to your news briefings.
* Andersen accountants: Hasn’t it occurred to any of you that trying to change your reputation is a bad idea? If people out there in the business world ever get the impression you folks have gone straight, you’ll be toes up in no time. Nobody wants a Boy Scout accountant. They want you. They want someone who can make 2 plus 2 equal $1.6 billion.
* Martha Stewart: Well, girlfriend, with Kmart on the ropes, I see where your shares of Martha Stewart Living are now only worth $520 million. This is not a good thing. But you can always go back to catering, or decorating pool bottoms with cut-up credit cards.
* Dick Cheney: Sure, Punxsutawney Phil is seeing more sunlight than you these days.
But think about it this way. You’re the one they’re keeping super safe. The other guy is the one they parade out in public. What’s that tell you?
* Mariah Carey: Hey, nobody ever said it was easy being a diva. What you have to learn to accept, is that for most people when a business partner hands them $28 million to end a relationship, it’s not considered a setback. On the other hand, lip-synching the national anthem at the Super Bowl is.
* The detainees: You were herded onto planes by testy, autocratic men and women in uniform. You were crammed into uncomfortable seats for a long flight. You arrived at your destination only to find the accommodations less than desirable.
Fellas, you are right to protest. This may be war, but there is no reason you should be treated like common tourists.
Shea is a columnist for the Hartford Courant, a Tribune company.
