Burglary Suspect Is Described as a Poor Driver, Unable to Eat an Apple

Under the heading “Only in Hollywood,” the LAPD’s Blue Line publication relates that a suspected burglar bit his victim, then fled in a stolen car. But he left one piece of evidence behind: his false teeth.

Officers noticed a name and serial number inscribed on the dentures.

“An inquiry in the computer system revealed the number was, in fact, a California Department of Corrections ID number,” Blue Line said. The suspect was an ex-con.

The defanged suspect topped off his day by crashing into a signpost while being chased by other officers, who captured him.

Moral of the story: If you’re going to bite a victim’s arm, use a pair of unmarked false teeth.

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Speaking of brains: Near Lake Arrowhead, Wally Schultz snapped a warning that seemed directed at illiterates (see photo).

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And while we’re at it: Darby Ziegler of Huntington Beach found a real estate flier showing no evidence of the utmost in copy editing skills (see accompanying).

It was only a matter of time: Jorge Estrada of Los Angeles found a reference in a local newspaper to a lane that is apparently reserved for road-rage participants (see accompanying).

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This never happened to Joe Friday: A resident phoned the Los Angeles County sheriff’s substation in Paramount and asked to speak to the deputy who had taken her crime report.

Asked the deputy’s name, she said she was looking at his business card but wasn’t sure how to pronounce it. She said it was spelled, “F-A-C-S-I-M-I-L-E.”

She was told to check the middle of the card, and there she found the deputy’s actual name.

City Talk, the newsletter of Paramount, couldn’t help quipping: “Just the FAX, Ma’am.”

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L.A. vs. the world: The controversy over the Russians winning the gold medal over the Canadians in pairs figure skating at Salt Lake City calls to mind a Winter Olympics dispute that involved the Los Angeles City Council.

In 1988, City Councilman Ernani Bernardi rose during the opening minutes of a session to declare that American figure skater Debi Thomas had been “shafted” by the East European judges.

Council President John Ferraro reminded Bernardi with a laugh that, since Winter Olympics judging was not on the council agenda, any discussion of the subject was a violation of the state’s Ralph M. Brown Act.

“White act, blue act, green act--I don’t care,” the irascible Bernardi responded.

The councilman added, for good measure, that winning skater Katarina Witt of East Germany wore a “weird outfit.”

I can’t remember if Mr. Blackwell agreed.

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miscelLAny: The California Avocado Commission is trying to persuade consumers to add the fruit to bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. Its billboard says: “Your BLT Could Use a Vowel.”

I’m not sure I could order a BLAT, though.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083; by fax at (213) 237-4712; by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA 90012; and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.