Sparks Don’t Fly in Today’s TV Fare

Remember those heady, romantic days in the 1980s when dedicated TV watchers--me, for sure, and quite possibly you--were entranced by the mating dances of Sam and Diane on “Cheers” and “Moonlighting’s” Dave and Maddie? When Capt. Frank Furillo of “Hill Street Blues” made Schick chic when he tenderly shaved the legs of his lover, Joyce Davenport?

When nebbishy “L.A. Law” partner Stuart Markowitz learned the mysterious “Venus butterfly” maneuver and won the undying ardor of the elegant Ann Kelsey? Remember those days? They’re gone.

Sure, Niles Crane recently proposed to Daphne Moon, the longtime object of his affections, in a heavily promoted episode of “Frasier.”

And it was done so charmingly you could almost believe that the show’s writers will be able to contrive a credible, long-term relationship for these fundamentally improbable lovers.

But if you look over the broader TV landscape, romance has become a lot more complicated, even pessimistic, in the past decade.

I got to thinking about this in part because of a “Scrubs” episode that followed the question-popping “Frasier.”

Two of the young “Scrubs” doctors--joke-cracking J.D. (Zach Braff) and socially inept Elliott (Sarah Chalke)--gave in to the sexual attraction that had been gnawing at them since the medical dramedy debuted in October.

They were idiotically infatuated for a week, slyly smiling at each other across patients’ beds, making out in the stairwells.

But an ill-chosen word here, a razzing from a co-worker there, and suddenly little things they had found endearing about each other were about as pleasant as chewing aluminum foil. Yes, that painful.

Comments to a psychologist by Dr. Perry Cox (William C. McGinley), a senior physician still bruised by a bitterly failed marriage, served as a sort of Greek chorus to J.D. and Elliott’s crash and burn. “Relationships don’t work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won’t they? And then they finally do and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of 10 of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced anyway.”

There are some twosomes on TV these days who seem to escape the undertow: Ray and Debra on “Everybody Loves Raymond”; Hal and Lois on “Malcolm in the Middle,” cartoonish though they are; Bernie and Wanda on “The Bernie Mac Show.” But most romantically inclined characters don’t get deep enough into a relationship to encounter the long-haul obstacles.

On “Philly,” defense attorney Kathleen Maguire (Kim Delaney) is wrangling with her ex-husband over child custody and stumbling into a doomed affair with a judge.

On “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,” Gil Grissom (William Petersen) and Catherine Willows (Marg Helgenberger) look about as likely to mate as “Law & Order’s” Briscoe and Green. She’s still stinging from a rotten marriage, and he’s ... strange.

On “Ally McBeal,” they’re more preoccupied with Ally’s bizarre motherhood--the 10-year-old product of her supposedly frozen ovum showed up at her door--than the latest guest star (Jon Bon Jovi) to streak through her life.

TV today. It’s enough to make a hopeless romantic break down and rent “When Harry Met Sally” again.