It All Adds Up to a Shiny New Life

I’m working on my long-term financial plan.

Successful long-term financial planning is part science and part luck.

This is especially true in my case, because my long-term financial plan involves winning the Lotto.

Although I haven’t refined everything yet, here is what my general approach is going to be when my portfolio comes in.

The very first thing I’m going to do is hire security guards to keep well-wishers away. I don’t need a whole bunch of people coming to the door and being happy for me.

Next, I’ll change my phone number.

And this isn’t to get rid of con men and get-rich-quick types and assorted pests. These folks can be taken care of with one little three-letter word--dog. No, the individuals I most want to avoid are friends.

It’s not that I have anything against these people. It’s just that once my long-term financial plan kicks in, what would we talk about? And even if we could find something in common, how are the Kennedys and the Du Ponts going to feel about rubbing elbows with the help?

You know, as long as I’m at it, I think I’ll probably get all new relatives, too. I mean, let’s face it, all the past slights and arguments and hurt feelings are never going to be resolved. So why not just start fresh with a brand spanking new extended family.

Another thing I’ve given a lot of thought to is whether or not to take my money in yearly payments or in a lump sum. This is a tough call.

On the one hand, I’m horrible at managing money. On the other hand, I’m Smith Barney compared with the state. So I don’t know.

As for investing, I’ve ruled out stocks and bonds. You invest in these types of things and you’re lucky to make 10% a year.

You invest money with some guys I know from the old neighborhood, though, and they’ll get you a 30% or 40% return--a week. Sure, there’s some risk involved, but nowhere near that assumed by their clients.

I also intend to be a philanthropist. But I’m not going to donate to the same old mainstream groups--you know, hospitals, colleges, the needy. Instead, I’m going to seek out and support causes that have been ignored for far too long.

For example, I’m definitely throwing some money to that organization that’s working to eradicate the heartbreak of love handles. And those people who are working to find a cure for unattractiveness, I’m cutting them a check too.

Politically, I’ll be nonpartisan, although I will enthusiastically back all candidates who favor giving police the authority to shoot out the tires of anyone who doesn’t clear the snow from the top of his or her car.

Finally, there is one thing I am absolutely determined to not let happen.

I’m not going to let the money change me.

Jim Shea is a columnist for the Hartford Courant, a Tribune company.