Oh Dear Me: Look Who Wants to Be Ann

Aspiring replacements for Ann Landers now number 1.5 billion, according to a survey of newspaper editors who are currently trapped under truckloads of resumes and sample columns.

The stampede of applicants includes the Rev. Pat Robertson, Mayor James Hahn, rocker Ozzy Osbourne and the late Ted Williams. Here are some sample columns:

James Hahn

Dear Jimbo: I know the video looks bad. Some people think that when I handcuffed 16-year-old Donovan Jackson, lifted him off the ground and slammed him onto the trunk of a car, I was trying to hurt him. In truth, I once studied chiropractic medicine and was simply trying to adjust the boy’s spine, which was badly out of alignment. Unfortunately, my actions have been misinterpreted and my job with the Inglewood Police Department is in jeopardy. Any openings in your police department?

--INFAMOUS IN INGLEWOOD

Dear Infamous: I’m afraid we have a surplus of chiropractic cops, but I think you show considerable promise as a pro wrestler or future governor of Minnesota.

Dear Jimbo: For the past 152 years, I’ve been married to one of the West Coast’s most powerful players. Unfortunately, he’s shallow, vain, never pays attention to me and it’s almost impossible to get him to do chores around the house, such as fixing potholes. Should I secede from this union?

--VALLEY GIRL

Dear V.G.: I sense a lot of hostility on your part. I think you should see a counselor.

Ted Williams

Dear Teddy: My stepbrother and I are totally estranged. Truth be told, he doesn’t get along with anyone in the family. I’d like to heal the rift, but I don’t know what to do.

--SPLENDID SISTER

Dear Sister: These situations take time to heal. Lots of time. Perhaps even centuries. If you get to your deathbed and things still aren’t resolved, you might consider having yourself frozen. After a few centuries on ice, you and your brother will have better odds for reconciling.

WorldCom President Bernard Ebbers

Dear WorldCom: I might have to move soon from a large, well-appointed mansion to a one-room studio apartment in a “gated community.” Do you have any decorating tips?

--MARTHA S.

Dear Martha: On the advice of my attorney, I decline to answer this question.

Michael Ovitz

Dear Mike: I think my boss is the devil. Seriously. I even have a photo of him with horns and a pitchfork. Do you think that’s why he wouldn’t promote my latest album, “Insufferable”?

--JACKO

Dear Jacko: Clearly you are the victim of a gay mafia. No, wait. I apologize for that remark. What I meant to say is you’re the victim of a gray mafia--people who are jealous of your youth and vitality. Either that or your album is just really lame.

Pat Robertson

Dear Rev.: Last week, my husband and I were invited to dinner by “Mary and Steve.” Everything was fine until Mary served a bowl of after-dinner mints before dessert. When I hinted it was proper etiquette to bring out the mints after the entire dinner, dessert included, Mary went ballistic. She said if I were right, then the candies would be called “after-dessert mints.” Can you settle the dispute?

--MINT-CONDITION

INQUIRER

Dear Mint: I think you’re avoiding the real issue here, and that is your relationship with Jesus Christ. The Bible tells us that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. He is the answer to all our questions, the solution to all our problems.

Dear Rev.: Several years ago, you published a letter from a mother whose 12-year-old daughter demanded the right to pierce her ears, dye her hair, wear makeup and start smoking. I am now facing a similar problem with my 6-year-old son. Could you please reprint your answer?

--MOROSE MOM

Dear Morose: It took me awhile to track down that column, but here is the reply you asked about:

I think you’re avoiding the real issue here, and that is your relationship with Jesus Christ. The Bible tells us that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. He is the answer to all our questions, the solution to all our problems.

Ozzy Osbourne

Dear Ozzy: Dude, I got, like, totally wasted last night, and I started hitting on this chick. At least, I think it was a chick. But when I woke up the next day, I was in bed with a guy, a girl and a department store mannequin. I’m completely confused.

--PAT BOONE

Dear Pat: You should $%#@-ing %!&# #$@* and $%#@@ #%@$. Also, &#@% %$#@ #%$@-ing @$#& $&!* Immanuel Kant’s critique of pure reason $!&*% @*$# !#%@ weasel $&*%. Shaaaaarrrronnnnnn!