Here’s an Actor-Motorist Who Obviously Knows a Left Turn From Stage Left

On the perils of driving in L.A., Eileen Gelon of Beverly Hills recalled a joke told by actor Paul Reiser at the Grammys a few years ago. Sheryl Crow had just finished singing, “All I wanna do is have some fun/Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard....” And Reiser commented: “All I wanna do on Santa Monica Boulevard is make a left turn.”

Awards yawner: Despite what some critics said, there was absolutely no drama surrounding the actor-actress voting at Hollywood’s most colorful awards show.

Tom Green (“Freddy Got Fingered”) and Mariah Carey (“Glitter”) overwhelmingly won worst performance honors in the Golden Raspberry Foundation show in Santa Monica. That’s Razzies, for short.

Talk about prestige: I had tickets to the Razzies but couldn’t attend despite the unprecedented offer to us privileged guests--two hours of free parking in a Santa Monica lot! Yes, Santa Monica. Wow, the city must have wanted the show bad.

A crow/Crowe connection? As for the Oscars competition, Times Calendar writer Bob Welkos confided to me Friday that he saw an omen spelling doom for best-actor nominee Russell Crowe.

“I was in line at a Starbucks when all of a sudden a crow swooped down and crashed into the window of the store,” Welkos said. “The crow fell and stood dazed in front of me.” I kept the news of Crowe’s fallen hopes a secret, because I didn’t want to spoil the suspense for readers.

Squirmy time: Since the Oscars lasted more than four hours, many viewers who failed to make it through the whole thing must have felt as though they’d had the spa treatment that reader Christine W. spotted (see accompanying).

Fowl alarm clock: And Oscar revelers who got in late Monday could be thankful they didn’t live in the neighborhood of one early riser who was cited in the police log of the Huntington Beach Independent (see accompanying).

That bird must be on Midwestern time, by the way. Daybreak is currently about 5:50. (Or was the rooster crowing about something else?)

Dining Adventurously Dept.: Cheryl Abel of Manhattan Beach found a dish that was either grimy or a misspelling of Dungeness (see accompanying).

Ducking cupcakes: Some distress calls listed in Star News, a publication of the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department:

* “Informant [caller] has a strange hairdo and mother won’t let her in the house.”

* “Informant’s 32-year-old daughter is throwing cupcakes at her.”

* “Informant wants the microchips from his vocal box and head removed.”

* “Large advertising balloon as big as a Volkswagen flying low and hitting traffic.”

* “Wife vs. husband. Informant upset re. wife attempting to force him to eat breakfast.”

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miscelLAny: The series on offbeat movie marquees in this column reminded John McDonald of a provocative twin bill he noticed at the Mesa Verde Center in Costa Mesa in the 1970s: RABBIT TEST OH MY GOD!

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-Times, ext. 77083; by fax at (213) 237-4712; by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012; and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.