What Shaq Really Means Takes a Spell to Decipher

Shaq tells us, “There is only one way to beat us. It starts with C and ends with T,” and frankly, I’d like to know what that is so maybe the problem can be corrected.

Up to this point he’s given us only one clue, telling reporters it would be wrong to suggest the word, CheaT.

So I’m thinking CaT, and hoping we don’t have a Terry Bradshaw situation here with Shaq.

I’ve got to be honest, though, for the longest time I’ve thought the only thing that could keep the Lakers from winning another championship was a room full of cats. You go into someone’s house who owns cats, and you know what happens: Your eyes water; you sneeze; and if they had found a bag of cats under the Lakers’ bench in Arco Arena, that would have explained Derek Fisher’s blurry-eyed one-for-nine shooting performance the other night.

If folks in Sacramento are willing to poison Kobe, you have to believe no cat is safe in Sacramento if it can be used to destroy Fisher’s shooting touch. At the risk of turning Kobe’s stomach again, maybe that was a cat hamburger he was eating.

I called Arco Arena to check, and the operator said they don’t allow animals inside. I said, “You let Kings’ fans in,” and for some reason we were disconnected.

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I COUNTED 75 words in a dictionary that begin with C and end with T, and you never know what Shaq’s thinking, but I don’t think the state of ConnecticuT, a CamshafT or a CaricaturisT is the key to beating the Lakers. A CarroT by itself, obviously isn’t going to hurt the Lakers, and even if it was Carrot Top, I’d like to think Shaq would put him out of his misery.

The Zen Master might know a CachepoT is a jar to hold plants, and mind you, I’m not suggesting any specific plant or weed here, but I’m guessing Shaq wouldn’t know a cachepot from a CormoranT (you’re going to have to look it up--I know I did).

If cowbells don’t unnerve the guys, I don’t think a ClarinetisT has a prayer, and while a CrackpoT makes sense, as far as I know USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett wasn’t in Sacramento over the weekend.

I know what you’re thinking, it has to be a ColumnisT, and if the Lakers lose this thing I’ve got no problem if everyone wants to blame Plaschke.

That’s bill.plaschke@latimes.com.

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MY HUNCH, however, is the word Shaq was trying to spell is ClairvoyanT.

You see it’s pretty well known the NBA likes to fix things, you know such as the NBA draft, the NBA Finals and getting Phil and Jeanie together. That’s why I’m pretty happy with the turn of events in Sacramento.

Shaq probably mistook the referees’ decision to call the game in favor of Sacramento and allow the Kings a better chance to win Monday night as the NBA’s way of looking down the road and fixing it so the Kings play either the Celtics or Nets.

The NBA’s CommandanT, David Stern, however, is known for being a visionary, and if the fix was in, I think he was telling us he’s come to the conclusion the Lakers are so good the Kings have no chance of advancing in this series.

The important thing now is giving NBC an extra game or two before the Lakers wrap it up. A Lakers’ sweep--with the Finals not starting until June--would have hurt the league in advertising dollars and entertainment momentum.

So I agree with Shaq, I don’t think CheaT is the right word here. I think the NBA already knows who will be wearing the CoroneT at season’s end, and Shaq was saying the only way it’s not going to be the Lakers is if the NBA has another team in mind.

What Shaq has to remember is we’re talking prime-time TV from here on in, and the NBA’s not going to try to catch America’s attention with a bunch of whiners from a Cow Town.

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THE SEAHAWKS will pay Ryan Leaf $525,000 to sit on the bench. Think about that today as you go to work, and wonder when you’ll get your next raise.

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NOTE TO former L.A. mayor Richard Riordan: As you know by now, your team finished first in the golf tournament recently at Lakeside County Club, but because you left early you don’t really know why you’re receiving a chipped trophy. L.A. Coliseum General Manager Pat Lynch, a teammate of yours, received the chipped trophy but switched his with yours. Just thought you ought to know.

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THE NEWSPAPER noted Tuesday morning I was “on assignment” and unable to write Monday because I had to play golf at Riviera. I can’t tell you what a chore it was playing in the L.A. Sports & Entertainment Commission tournament with Rick Baedeker (Hollywood Park), Patrick O’Neal (Fox Sports Net) and Sherwood Chillingworth (Oak Tree). You want to play golf with someone named “Sherwood?”

O’Neal is a bright light on a late-night radio show on 1150, and his wife is actress Rebecca De Mornay. I asked, of course. He said he saw “Risky Business,” before he met De Mornay, so at one time we had something in common.

Baedeker wanted to bet who could hit the longest drive, so I took his money. I wish Hollywood Park was that obliging about making me rich.

By the way, the LASEC honored Pam Shriver, because she’s old, continuing a tradition started last year when it honored Al Michaels.

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TIMES REPORTER Gary Klein noted Tuesday Kevin Brown will pitch against Randy Johnson on Sunday, calling it “one of baseball’s marquee pitching matchups.” Don’t you have to have two great pitchers to call it something like that?

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Jim: “I’d like you to know, Mr. Smarty Pants, that we have indoor plumbing, electricity and even cable TV in Sacramento.”

How ‘bout refrigeration to keep your meat fresh?

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.