Felicitations, Hicks! You’re Going to Be DQ’d

It’s over. It was a nice run while it lasted, and I’m sure it’s going to be painful to watch the NBA Finals without any real rooting interest.

But I’m sure the yokels who live in Sacramento will get over it.

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I LOOK for the Lakers to win the next three games, and maybe not lose again before the parade.

The trip to the local Dairy Queen will have to suffice as the highlight of the year for those sentenced to life in Sacramento, and the Chamber of Commerce tells me the temperature tops 90 degrees 80 days a year in the capital city, so eat quickly.

Today, of course, the yokels are still feeling pretty good. They’ve watched their team win two playoff games, they figure ringing cowbells are good for two more, and they’ve read Hemingway, a.k.a. columnist Rick Majerus, who is on the verge of calling Sacramento “Titletown.”

On the radio Bill Walton was saying, “How about my Sacramento Kings?” and “L.A. is stunned.”

I don’t blame L.A. for being stunned; I had no idea Majerus could write either. He’s probably the second-best columnist at the paper right now.

But the thing is, I don’t think anything has happened so far that we haven’t seen before. I’m not going to get worried until Phil Jackson stands up. The Lakers are the same team capable of losing to the Chicago Bulls twice in a season as the one that can seemingly turn it on when it wants. By the way, now might be a good time to do that.

I have no doubt that’s about to happen.

You see, I think Kobe Bryant is one of those special athletes who come along once in a lifetime, and every time someone sparks the competitive fire that burns deep in his game, greatness seems to emerge.

When everyone else is talking in hushed tones, and Plaschke is asking doom-and-gloom questions, Kobe is the first one to say the fun is just beginning.

Minutes after the Lakers lost to San Antonio in the last round, Kobe pointed to the next two games in Texas and said he was excited. Then he dropped in 59 points in two wins over the Spurs. I’m beginning to feel sorry for the Kings.

“This is when you have the most fun,” he said Saturday. “There is no anxiety whatsoever. As an athlete, this is what motivates me.”

I’d like it better if he became motivated without the Lakers having to be clobbered first, but that’s a project for another day.

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NOW AS you know, I made Babe Ruth out of Shawn Green. My periodic “It’s time to produce” chats with Eric Karros, Jason Allison and Tim Salmon obviously brought out the best in those stiffs. Too bad Bum Garner didn’t consult with me before his TV show was canceled.

I know now I can’t wait to be asked. That’s why I made the special trip Saturday to the Lakers’ practice facility, and then turned the car toward Edison Field. So many people to help. I had to make a decision; I skipped the Sparks’ game.

I told Angel pitcher Jarrod Washburn Saturday night if he pitched well, I’d get him high in this story. He had a no-hitter going in the fifth inning and was in the first paragraph. He then let the Twins score two runs, which dropped him lower than Bum Garner. The Twins scored again. I hope he doesn’t get canceled too.

Sometimes, of course, I have to get tough. A month ago I chastised Kobe in a column for his horrendous three-point shooting (.250) during the regular season, and noted he couldn’t shoot better than my daughter.

A week ago, when someone asked him, “What’s the difference in your game from the last two championship runs and your performance currently in the playoffs?” he grinned and said, “My three-point shooting.”

After 11 playoff games and being told he couldn’t shoot better than a girl, he’s making .341 of his three-point attempts, and as I reminded him Saturday, he still couldn’t beat my daughter, who made 138 three-pointers as a junior in high school.

“Put some money on it,” he said, and I told him she’ll shoot against him to benefit a charity--The Grocery Store Bagger Wedding Fund--when the season is over, “and she’ll kick your butt.”

But first things first, and that’s getting the best out of Kobe for the Lakers’ benefit. I reminded him he talks about having fun, but I didn’t detect any of that in his play Friday night. There was no zest to his game.

I saw him clowning around with Shaquille O’Neal as practice wrapped up Saturday, and that was a good sign, but in case he wasn’t getting the message, I officially ordered him to have fun in today’s game. If Kobe is having fun, it will rub off on Shaq, and the two best players in the game will dominate.

Kobe nodded, and said, “Shawn Green had four homers, didn’t he?” So he knows if he listens to the pep talk, good things will happen for the Lakers.

“I’m going to have fun, I promise you,” he said.

If only he could shoot three-pointers better. I’m not so sure the Grocery Store Bagger isn’t a better three-point shooter than Kobe.

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SCOTT SPIEZIO and his wife had a baby last week, and named him Cody Scott. I asked Spiezio if they had given any thought to naming the child “T.J.”

“No thought whatsoever,” Spiezio said.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Dave Swofford:

“I am an editor at The WB, and I take exception to your comment about ‘Felicity.’ She has all the human qualities you lack. Since you missed the series finale, you will never know if she ended up with Ben or Noel, and I’m not telling.”

I’ve seen Felicity before. I’ve got to believe Ben ended up with Noel.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.