Will Madonna stop the act?

According to the cover story in October’s Vanity Fair, Madonna has written a children’s book. This is not a good sign. For one thing, celebrity children’s books are so last Thursday and, John Lithgow’s notwithstanding, they invariably signal a certain stage in a person’s career, a luftpause often filled by publicists’ comments about “taking stock” and “rethinking priorities.”

Part of this is logistics -- it’s hard to be concerned with much when starring in a red-hot TV show or sold-out concert -- but what can it mean that the Queen of Pop is following in the footsteps of Jamie Lee Curtis? Perhaps the same thing it meant for Jamie Lee Curtis -- the movie thing is not going so well.

To say that “Swept Away,” her recent film done in collaboration with new husband-director Guy Ritchie, is not doing well is like saying Ken Lay has had a bad fourth quarter. Never has the word “stink” appeared in so many typefaces across so many mediums.

“Soggy and superfluous” said the New York Times, calling the film a rare opportunity to “feel sorry for Madonna.” “The kind of bad movie that only talented people make,” countered the Chicago Tribune, “a colossal misfire.” “How about ‘Stay Away’?’ opened E!Online’s review. Rolling Stone called it a shipwreck.

(Already rumors are spreading of a Vanity Fair curse -- just as bagging the cover of Sports Illustrated has heralded disaster for more than a few athletes, the coveted VF cover has become a sometimes dicey deal -- remember “Pearl Harbor’s” Josh Hartnett? Neither do we.)

Opening in 196 theaters, “Swept Away” managed to bring in just $354,000, slightly less than Adam Sandler’s new movie, which played on five screens.

It’s gotten so bad that Liz Rosenberg, the star’s publicist, took to the New York Post to stop the insanity.

“It’s a public hanging,” she said, “an assassination. Stop being so mean!”

Certainly Mrs. Ritchie nee Ciccione is used to bad reviews. She’s gotten them for every movie she has ever made -- 16 of them, mind you (not counting the many films in which she played herself) -- with the single exception of her first, “Desperately Seeking Susan.” And she just came off a limited London engagement of “Up for Grabs,” which drew mostly negative notices.

The thing is, the woman cannot act. And unlike some of her initially wooden peers who went on to achieve excellent performances -- Farah Fawcett comes to mind, as does Cher -- she seems incapable of learning on the job. So the question is not, Why is everyone being so mean? It’s, Why does Madonna keep doing this?

Things have gotten so bad that even longstanding Madonna champion Camille Paglia is concerned.

“Madonna is a dancer and musician, not an actress,” the author said in an e-mail interview. “She has no ear whatever for speech -- hence, subtle vocal inflections escape her. This is partly because she has no conversational skill. In every social occasion, she must flirt, dominate or act up like a teenager. She’s too restless to sit and talk.”

Such behavior can be played as “caged panther” in one’s 20s and even 30s, but by 40, it’s starting to look more like a tic or a mental affliction.

“Madonna is in frenetic circus mode,” Paglia said, “as shown by that awful ‘Drowned World’ tour, which threw everything at the audience but the kitchen sink. The jerky, manic ‘Swept Away’ suffers from the same problem -- Madonna and Guy Ritchie seem to confuse art with attention-deficit disorder.”

Certainly anyone watching the star’s recent interview with Larry King might have a few similar reactions. King himself has a bad relationship with the noun-verb-noun construct, but scanning the transcript, one is hard pressed to find a complete thought, or sentence.

King: So remake -- why do a remake?

Madonna: Well, we didn’t intend to make a remake, and I don’t -- I think Guy probably said in one of his interviews he’d never do a remake of a movie. But we saw it together and he -- and I don’t know. It just somehow evolved and he ended up wanting to make it. He thought it would be great as a remake. He thought he could do something

King: Something that wasn’t done ...

Madonna: Yes. Yes. I thought, I, he thought -- I think he thought he could make it more modern and funnier. It is a great story. The premise of the story is great.

Indeed.

Early success is always risky and Madonna has been better than most at reinventing herself to accommodate the voracious appetite of an easily bored demographic. But dancing around in your underwear and having sex with a lot of people is essentially a young person’s sport, and if the film career is a dead-end, then perhaps it’s time to genuinely reflect.

For most of us, it would seem an excellent time for retirement, for seeing the world from a vantage point other than a stage. But the woman who famously refuses to take a vacation is probably not going to cash out at 45. Still, maybe it is time for some real reflection.

Paglia would like to see her get off “this crazed, workaholic, sleep-deprived express train she’s been on her whole professional life” and concentrate on her music. “The number of major songs that Madonna has contributed to world music is staggering. That great talent ... has nothing to do with looks and, therefore, will not age with her.”

But according to career consultant Kenneth Blanchard, it is time for Madonna to make a bigger change, to move from success to significance. For too long, she has defined her self-worth by her performance and what other people think about her, says the co-author of the life-changes book “Who Moved My Cheese.”

It’s time for her to move past the Grammys and the Golden Globes, the platinum records and multimillion-dollar homes. “The opposite of success is generosity; the opposite of recognition is service; the opposite of power and status is loving relationships,” said Blanchard in soothing tones. “She could take up where Princess Diana left off. [Madonna] has such a following: Think of how much she could do for the world. We have enough of greed and success. You become an adult when you realize you are not here to get, you’re here to give.”

Perhaps Madonna should have a little sit-down with Cher, who if nothing else, has proven that a successful acting career does not necessarily lead to happiness, or even good business sense. Still, Cher recently announced she is retiring from the music business, about five minutes past not a minute too soon.

Imagine: A world with no new Cher songs or Madonna movies. A world swept away.

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A selected movie scorecard:

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“Desperately Seeking Susan” (1985)

Madonna played Susan, a free-spirited, bangled, braceleted rock star and object of Rosanna Arquette’s envious desire. It brought Madonna, director Susan Seidelman and the black lace bustier as outerwear out of the dive-club scene into the zeitgeist.

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“Dick Tracy” (1990)

After she played torch singer Breathless Mahony, many fans were shocked to learn that not only couldn’t Madonna act, she really couldn’t sing all that well either.

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“Evita” (1996)

After years of hype, the film version of this musical was anti-climactic at best. Although Madonna won a Golden Globe, the only remarkable aspect of her performance was the fact that she had, through the miracle of modern contact lenses, brown eyes.

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“Next Best Thing” (2000)

Madonna’s portrayal of a yoga instructor who sort of accidentally gets pregnant by her gay best friend underwhelmed audiences and proved that even the chiseled features of Rupert Everett can’t save a film from instant obscurity.