Campus Crimes Serve Up Enough Comedy, Drama to Fuel Own TV Show

Always searching for new thrills for my faithful readers, I followed a tip from columnist David Allen of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin and checked the police logs of Cal Poly Pomona’s student newspaper. Sure enough, there was enough plot material for my projected TV series, “Cops???”:

“A student’s handicap placard was confiscated when the registered party’s date of birth was found to be 1928.”

“Suspicious circumstances were reported when a custodian was asked by a nervous male in his 20s if he felt the earthquakes by the vending machine in the library.”

“A couple was found making out and disturbing the peace in front of Skywatch (security area) in parking lot F7.”

Wonder if that couple felt the earth move, too?

It’s that time of the year: Dan Fetterly of Van Nuys came upon just the mansion for a Halloween party -- one built on pumpkins (see accompanying).

Unreal estate (cont.): Dorothy Brown of Bakersfield, meanwhile, spotted a house for that really big cat of yours. Of course, if the beast proves to be more house-breaking than house-broken, you can always move it into the enclosure that Billie Pearson of Pacific Palisades saw for sale (see accompanying).

More creature discomforts: In the wilds of London, Jackson Sleet of L.A. observed a crocodile notice (see photo). Actually the “plates” are used in such areas as parking lots; in America, we call them tire spikes. I still remember the excitement that spread over the lunch court in my high school days when we heard about a classmate who had vowed to back his car over a set of those spikes to test the “puncture” warning. Poor fellow learned that it was an example of truth in advertising.

This really didn’t hurt a bit: “I work for the state’s Department of Managed Health Care (we regulate HMOs) in downtown L.A.,” wrote David Link. “We had received fliers that the department would arrange for a nurse to come to our offices and provide us with flu shots for a fairly small fee. “Posters were up by the elevators, directing people to the immunization room -- which was empty. The nurse failed to show.... The thought of a group of health-care regulators lining up for a no-show nurse struck me as somewhere between ironic and ludicrous.”

Link added: “No, the nurse was not employed by an HMO.”

Pick your color: Writer Hank Rosenfeld noticed this movie marquee in Santa Monica: BROWN SUGAR RED DRAGON WHITE OLEANDER. Commented Rosenfeld: “It sounded like a page off a Chinese menu.”

Or selections from a catalog of house paint colors.

MiscelLAny: In the Long Beach Reporter newspaper, Lawrence Schorr recommended that if a telemarketer calls and asks, “How are you today?” you should respond, “I’m so glad you asked because nobody these days seems to care, and I have all these problems: My arthritis is acting up; my eyelashes are sore; my dog just died ...”

*

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012 or by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.