This Female P.A. Announcer Is a Giant Annoyance to Him

The punishment, of course, should fit the crime, so we’re probably all in agreement it should be something cruel and inhumane like making Andy Rooney sit in Pacific Bell Park and listen to the only female public-address announcer in Major League Baseball take us from World Series batter to batter.

Rooney doesn’t believe women should be walking the sidelines at football games, but like most of you, I believe Melissa Stark not only belongs on the sideline at football games, but anywhere she can be seen, and even heard if she insists.

In fact the only (Rooney-like) thing that bugs me right now is the woman they have upstairs on the P.A. at Pac Bell who doesn’t know when to stop chirping.

Now before the name calling starts, or continues in the case of the female reporter from San Jose who called me a “misogynist” Tuesday night for asking her the name of the annoying public-address announcer, let me say that, for the last 30 years, the first voice I awake to every day is a woman’s and the last voice I hear before going to sleep is a woman’s because the wife usually never shuts up.

I also have two daughters who are always asking for money, and one of them is going to marry a Grocery Store Bagger, so there’s no relief in sight, and I still accept their collect calls.

I’ve got nothing against a female’s voice. You have Demi Moore or Debra Winger announce the World Series lineups, or put Elizabeth Hurley on the big-screen scoreboard urging the fans to get excited, and I might start throwing dollar bills toward the field. Hire Mimi Rogers, and I’ll buy Giant season tickets.

I have no problem with women. My problem is this woman’s voice, every name announced as if she might scream, “Bingo!” and the Giants are losing by seven runs. A man would be just as annoying. In fact, if I had a voice like Barry Bonds’, I would never speak publicly again.

I know you’ve been listening to Tim McCarver and don’t have much sympathy, but imagine listening to Fox’s broadcast in its entirety without using the mute button, or changing channels.

They consider it a San Francisco treat here, of course, a woman working as announcer at Giants’ games, beginning with Sherry Davis in Candlestick Park, and now continuing here with a local radio personality, Renel Brooks-Moon, who according to a story in the Press Democrat, was a cheerleader in high school. And I’m sure a very good one, which means she got an early start on being annoying.

*

FRANKLY, I don’t know how these people do it. I took my position as a fan Tuesday night, sitting in the left-field stands, which have been converted into a holding pen for the press, and I found myself wishing I was home and watching Fox. That’s how miserable the conditions are here.

I know, I know, you’d give anything to be sitting in my place, a beer in your hand, clapping and yelling like crazy for the Angels, and they’d throw you out of the stadium because there’s no cheering allowed in the press area.

Now you know why I never say anything nice about USC -- I’m not allowed.

As much as you like to think you’d act differently if given the chance to sit in my place at the World Series, you’d probably put down $20 for a Giant stocking cap, too, to keep your ears from freezing and to identify yourself as a “friendly,” in the event the locals started throwing batteries or bottles.

I’m telling you, the baseball experience here stinks. There’s the smell of Gilroy Garlic Fries everywhere. The baseball park is brand new, and the place reeks, and it obviously has started to take its toll on the Giants, who stink as well.

We’re getting ready to have a parade, and these people have to come back tonight, hold their noses, watch the Angels whack the Giants again and

listen to Miss Perky insist everyone make more

noise.

*

MY FAVORITE sign: “Lucifer was an Angel.”

I guess no one told him Lucifer was no good, and had to be sent down.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in several e-mails:

Michael Beatrice: “I went to my first SC game in years. Is it wrong that the sections of Washington fans were louder than the entire Coliseum? One alum even asked me to sit down during a crucial drive. I told a friend we could make a lot of money selling cardinal and gold thunder sticks. Then I read your article about [Mike] Garrett banning them. [I don’t get it].”

*

Jay Foster: “You should’ve been at the Coliseum back in ’98 for the UCLA vs. USC game. The Bruins had beaten USC eight straight years and Garrett was desperate to stop the streak. What do you think he did? He cranked up the sound system and piped in all kinds of noise to disrupt the UCLA offense, it worked and UCLA hasn’t won since. It sure is funny how [noise] doesn’t suit his purposes now.”

*

Joe Stumpf: “I find myself in an unusual position -- a USC fan who agrees with you. Conventional wisdom says all great programs have one thing in common: stability, and not just in coaching and the athletic administration, but also in its fan base. Garrett is such a divisive force at USC. As long as he continues to be AD, we’ll have a highly divided fan base....This past weekend we were standing and cheering on the defense on third down, and some idiot in Section 20, Row 37 had the gall to yell, ‘down in front.’ He should have his ticket revoked for behavior like that.”

If you had a thunder stick, you could’ve just bopped him on the head.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com