To the Barricades!
Subject: Stand the World on Its Head Day
Hi everybody! Maybe you’ve already received this e-mail. If so, disregard! We, the undersigned, invite you to add your name to the list below and join our ranks in rallying all thinking Americans to stand on their heads barefoot outside shoe stores at midnight next Monday as a silent protest against the Bush administration’s policy of low or no tariffs on imported opera pumps made from petroleum-based synthetic materials by nations that are nonsignatories to the Warsaw Convention.
It is important that you not tell anyone in advance in order to avoid alerting government goons. Please forward this e-mail to at least 1,000 others.
Subject: THINK ABOUT IT
From: The International Friends of Fish Committee
Dear Fish Friend: The IFFC has just confirmed reports that Iranian Beluga caviar sturgeon are being held in tanks of lukewarm water prior to having their eggs removed for sale on the world market. Article B-203 of the International Laws of the Sea clearly states: “Sturgeon are most comfortable in water temperatures of 42 degrees Fahrenheit; prolonged habitation in warmer water may cause headaches and nervous irritation.” What can you do? Bathe in lukewarm water as a gesture of solidarity with the suffering sturgeon. THIS IS NOT A RELIGIOUS ISSUE.
If you care about humane conditions for Iranian Beluga sturgeon, go to our Web site for more information and forward this e-mail to everyone you can think of.
Subject: World Shoelace Day
To all our friends: We don’t usually forward e-mails but this one was passed on by a respected organization and its importance speaks for itself. We urge you to read its contents carefully. -- Madge and Victor
Fact: Using running and athletic shoes as a smokescreen, the footwear lobby has reduced the use of laces in shoes by more than 60% in men’s shoes alone since 1973.
Fact: The laceless shoe is not bound to the foot and as a result so lacks structural integrity that its average life expectancy is fully 18 months shorter than equivalent lace-up footwear.
Fact: The footwear lobby knows this but prefers to save the 7 cents per shoe it costs to provide laces and eyelets. Don’t be fooled by fancy ad campaigns and “streamlined” loafers and moccasins. Join millions of your fellow foot-wearers on World Shoelace Day, June 30, to protest Big Footwear’s running roughshod over our feet. And e-mail us for further messages about how you can help preserve the shoelace tradition.
Subject: THERE’S NO TIME LEFT
Hi everybody, here’s the latest on the matter I e-mailed you about yesterday: The contributions of William Howard Taft, Winston Churchill, Jackie Gleason and innumerable other hefty people to mankind are self-evident. But did you know that a secret branch of the federal government is planning to round up all obese Americans and place them in camps in remote areas of the American Southwest to subsist on roots and berries until their weights fall to an arbitrary “acceptable maximum”? The federal government, of course, denies involvement in this brutal violation of the civil rights of the fat. But if its hands are so clean, where is Marlon Brando?
Why did the White House fire Larry Lindsey, its only obese senior staffer? Who is muzzling Rosie O’Donnell?
It has been learned that the first roundup could happen as soon as today, or maybe Sunday, and the pudgy, the husky and even chubby teens will be fair game. Yes, it can happen here: The entrenched bigotry against the obese is now being given full rein.
Do you agree that Fat Hate must be stamped out? Even if you are as thin as a rail, e-mail your pastor, congressperson, chief of police, local FBI office and the U.S. Nutrition Council TODAY to let them know you’re “on” to their campaign of harassment against the obese.
