Keeping O’Neal Angry Is Best Flat-Out Motivator

I think I know something about (flat tire-like) excuses that merit further investigation. I also think I know a little about getting people upset, but more on that in a few paragraphs.

The Grocery Store Bagger and the daughter moved into our home this week while waiting for the August wedding, and the other night I caught the Bagger coming out of the daughter’s bedroom. Right away he told me they were only watching TV, and while I know love is blind, the cable guy won’t be here until Saturday to wire that room.

So when I heard Shaquille O’Neal had not one, but two flat tires the other day, couldn’t reach the Laker coach, trainer or anyone else on the team’s payroll to tell them he’d miss practice, and had to wait for a tow truck before returning home just in time to work on a video for the Staples Center overhead scoreboard, the Bagger alarm went off.

Is it really necessary to make up a story? When Sports Editor Bill Dwyre wants to skip a day’s work, he just puts the golf clubs in the car and takes off and no one seems to notice he’s even gone. In fact if you checked with the bosses at the paper today they probably still have no idea that Dwyre sneaked out of work early Thursday.

Shaq would probably have a hard time going unnoticed, which makes me wonder why we haven’t heard from a long list of motorists who spotted a seven-foot part-time actor on the side of the 405 freeway. But whatever happened, I found the whole episode bizarre, The Times making a front-page sports story out of a flat tire and the Zen Master blowing his cool.

I waited for Shaq to arrive at Staples Center before Thursday’s game to discuss it, figuring the team probably sent a limo to make sure he got here. One by one the Lakers arrived, but no Shaq. Coach Phil Jackson walked by and gave me the cold shoulder. And he’s got big shoulders.

Someone e-mailed to suggest the next time Shaq signs a contract, in addition to getting $19 million a year, he might want to ask for a AAA card. I think they ought to just make Samaki Walker his chauffeur -- so Walker has something to do.

Shaq finally arrived -- it was an 18 minutes Isaiah Rider-like late again -- in a Hummer, which I’m told is one of 20 or 30 cars he owns between homes here and in Florida. And I thought it was tough to keep track of one set of keys.

He hopped on a waiting equipment cart for the ride to the locker room -- one more opportunity to be stopped by a flat tire, and held up two fingers as he went racing by. It was either the peace sign, or an indication of how many flat tires he really did have a day earlier.

I know this, he looked really ticked, and that’s when I understood the full impact of Tire-gate and Dallas Coach Don Nelson’s role in making a much better coach out of Phil Jackson.

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THIS SEASON began with Shaq calling the Kings the Queens and getting them all riled up. Then he referred to Mike Bibby as a baby, once again throwing the Kings/Queens into a lather. That’s funny stuff in October, or when you have Sacramento losing its cool, but Thursday night’s game with the Kings was arguably the biggest regular-season contest of the year for the Lakers -- until Sunday’s game with Portland.

And the Lakers are the very best team in basketball winning big games when Shaq plays like an angry bear. But sometimes the bear needs to be poked and prodded a little.

“We’re dumber than a rock sometimes,” Nelson said after the Lakers won the other night. “We [tick] Shaq off,” and Shaq destroys the Mavericks.

It’s pretty obvious what happened next. Jackson heard what Nellie had to say, Shaq did him a favor taking the day off, and then Jackson used it as his opportunity to poke the bear and make a much bigger deal out of missing practice than he might ordinarily make of such a thing. A sensitive Shaq, who alternates between not feeling appreciated ($19 million doesn’t seem to do it) and not feeling trusted (Superman doesn’t like to be disciplined) most of the time, worked up a good “mean” taking the court against the Kings.

He threw down 14 points on the Kings in the first quarter, and when I say he threw them down, Lord help the basketball player who happens to be standing under the basket when Shaq slams.

He exchanged words with Bibby, who was walking away from Shaq while cussing him out, and I would think if you’re going to cuss out Shaq you might want to be running away while doing so. Both Bibby and Shaq were hit with technical fouls, but it didn’t do anything to take the edge off Shaq, who led all players with 19 points and eight rebounds by halftime.

A mad Shaq is unstoppable, and you have to give credit to Nelson, ah, Jackson for understanding that in time to play Sacramento. Shaq’s first-half performance, which included some of the quickest moves he’s displayed all season long, set the intensity level for the rest of his teammates.

The key now is to figure out a way to keep Shaq upset for the rest of the season. I wish there were a way I could help. I guess at the very least I could probably have the wife show him how to fix a flat tire.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Tim Gaul:

“You wrote you ‘saddled up next to Laker Coach Jackson.’ There was a horse at the Laker news conference? And you got on it? Since Phil was there next to you, I assume he was holding the reins. I think the word you were looking for was ‘sidle’ ”

There was a horse there. I’ve heard from so many people -- offering advice to myself and the horse I rode in on -- that over time I’ve come to consider him my invisible friend.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.