My life as a crawl

This is the latest news in my life * Dr. Lassiter examines teeth, no evidence of cavities found; issues warning: Wisdom teeth overdue for removal * Dr. Lassiter urges setting up appointment in next month, predicts “Pain likely for 1 or 2 days if all goes well” * Dad: Condo kitchen remodel to be finished before Passover dinner * Wd floors done, contractor expects sink fixtures to arrive btwn Wed. & Fri., other work progressing * Brother reports cobalt blue v-neck sweater bought @ Fred Segal sale missing * Accuses me of theft; house-sat recently * Brother “disappointed,” says trust broken; with talks broken off, threat of sibling rift grows * Fred Segal spokesperson declined comment on swtr, but reminds no exchanges on sale items * Comcast: “Our records indicate that your account is past due & has been charged $4.48 late fee” * Payment of $140.40 due April 15 or service disconnected; stock price won’t be affected * Canceled pay movie channels; forgot basic cable still costs money * Maybe should read more, didn’t really like “6 Ft. Under” even tho friends watch, thought overrated, annoyed me * Study: Variety of bills not getting paid on time since breakup w/ girlfriend * Visa maxed, checkbk records spotty, rent due, plans to buy new car on hold, waking up more in middle of night * Terror alert: high * Therapist: “For now, pay when you can” * Did I leave my iron on this morning? Cast your vote and view results at www.mylife asacrawl.com * Aunt Sally issues plea: “When are you coming to visit?” * Last visit was two weeks ago, not that she’s keeping track * In other news: Lisa Marie Presley says ex-hubs Nicolas

Cage/Michael Jackson should make buddy cop movie together * Presley would be willing to produce, says likelihood for another “Lethal Weapon” franchise high, calls on agents/managers to meet *

Now on mylifeasa crawl.com: Avg. time spent deleting penis-enlargement e-mails growing at far more rapid rate than people’s penises * This is the latest news in my life * Brother calls from car, missing sweater at dry cleaners, unharmed * Brother forgot g/friend took in for Indian food stain * Sibling talks resume, but half-hearted apology leaves simmering tension * Source close to conscience: It is true that I take clothes * Sister returns from Joshua Tree, calls scenery “spectacular,” vows to return at first chance * Exclusive photos of cactus flowers to be shown at Passover dinner * Sister: “Did you tape this wk’s ‘6 Ft. Under?’ ” * Sister “disappointed” cable disconnected, detects anger in voice when asks if this wk’s episode was good * After talks, sister says visit to Aunt Sally could produce loan, suggests driving her to Passover * But sister warns: “Aunt Sally thinks you have gambling problem” * In car on way to Passover w/ Aunt Sally, gambling problem to be called exaggerated, research for novel * Discovery: Chinese food in fridge believed to be from night saw “Road to Perdition” * Dad’s condo doorman reports seeing new sink & faucet fixtures carried thru lobby, says mood of workers better than last week, when yelling heard * Dad reports remodel going well, but cautions there’s still work to be done * Of yelling reports says dissent “healthy, historical” * Dad says workers control 85% of kitchen, including island, expected to move on sink in next 24 to 36 hrs & then rest is cleanup * Dad: “Do you watch that ‘6 Ft. Under?’ It’s an interesting show.” * Back in black? Loose dollar bills found around house; once collected, bills estimated to be worth $35 to $45, even more Canadian * Negotiations to acquire latest Beck CD immediately jump-started * Observers say deal will require cooperation on both sides of register * This is the latest news in my life * Woke up renewed, walked to gym; Pilates mat class canceled, no reason given; workout rescheduled to Thurs. * Trainer overheard telling leotard-clad woman: “Give me another rep at 4. Right, good.” * Critical voice: “Even w/o Pilates, I still should have exercised today” * Be-good-to-yourself voice issues quick, terse response: “Leave me alone” * Wisdom teeth appt. made for May 2; Dr. Lassiter hails decision, calls on others to make appts. *

Paul Brownfield can be contacted at paul.brownfield@latimes.com.