Envelope, Please ... and the Winner Is ...

Welcome to our annual Iconoclast Awards, where our motto is, “We may not always be right, but we have a better shot than the rest of those bozos.”

To explain our modest approach to promotion -- no billboards, signs on trucks, TV spots, etc. -- we prefer a low-key approach. It’s either that or no one at my place notices that I do this every season, or worse, cares.

In any case, these days, out of boredom or misplaced competitive zeal, teams have decided they should, or must, propagandize the voters, who have better things to do, like watch a soap opera or shampoo the cat.

This effort was capped by last spring’s all-timer when, on his own, Detroit Coach Rick Carlisle called up writers, one by one, tracking many down in hotels on the road, lobbying for his players, even giving out his cell phone number in case we ever needed him.

I didn’t wind up using the number all season. Of course, I didn’t vote for any of his players, either.

Now everyone has lost it. Houston sent out statuettes of Yao Ming, asserting, “The Time is Yao.” Phoenix sent out e-mail updates hyping Amare Stoudemire and put together a highlight tape showing him dunking ... over Yao.

The Heat sent out Caron Butler e-mail, comparing his season to a tree falling in the forest, as if they played in the Everglades, rather than downtown Miami, where there may not be many fans anymore but the media still come.

It was better when awards were just awards, not some kind of an end in themselves.

Nevertheless ...

MVP -- I especially dislike this award, in which the criteria are purely personal and one must then defend his choice by running down the next two or three guys, who are great players who had to be deserving just to be considered.

Then there was the year, 2000, when Shaquille O’Neal missed becoming the first unanimous choice by one vote, CNN’s Fred Hickman got a ton of press for being such a gadfly -- he voted for Allen Iverson -- or dolt, and Shaq said he was disappointed, like the fabled princess who slept on 20 mattresses and could still feel the pea under the bottom one.

In general, sentiment plays a part in this award, or this award is all about sentiment. I like to do it on straight merit.

I start out thinking Shaq has to be 1-2-3, just because he’s Shaq, but this season, I’m making an exception.

1. Tim Duncan, Spurs. I don’t care if he won last season -- when Jason Kidd should have -- as great as he is, he keeps getting better, keeping his team-in-transition in the elite. 2. Kevin Garnett, Timberwolves. Sentimental choice, possibly because so many people feel guilty about ripping him last spring. Stretched his shooting range this season, started making them in crunch time. 3. Kidd, Nets. Had an even better season. 4. Chris Webber, Sacramento. Had a great season but gets marked down because of all the fine players on his team. 5. Kobe Bryant, Lakers. Ditto.

Probable winner in real life -- Garnett.

Rookie of the year -- 1. Yao, Rockets. He and Stoudemire had almost identical numbers, but Yao had all the pressure and carried it as gracefully as you please. 2. Stoudemire, Suns. What do they care if he doesn’t win some silly award? They have a player they can build around for 15 years. 3. Butler, Miami. Scored more points than Yao or Stoudemire because he was on a team going nowhere. Good player but not in their class.

Probable winner -- Yao.

Coach of the year -- Eric Musselman, Golden State. Changed their program from dead to alive. 2. Larry Brown, 76ers. Still the greatest miracle worker of all. 3. Carlisle. Two seasons as an NBA coach, both monuments to overachievement.

Probable winner -- Carlisle, Don Nelson of Dallas, or Jerry Sloan of Utah, a great presence, if no fancy X-and-O guy, who has never won, is near the end of the trail and attracting a sympathy vote.

Executive of the year -- 1. Nelson. It’s not easy to crash the circle of elite teams in the West, but he did. 2. Gregg Popovich, Spurs. The guiding force in a program that has three players left from its 1999 title and $15 million to $18 million worth of cap room to use to become a real monster. 3. Geoff Petrie, Kings. Nor is it easy to build a great power in Sacramento but there’s one there now.

Probable winner -- Joe Dumars, Pistons. Popular guy who has done a fine job, although I think the remarkable part is what Carlisle did with an ordinary-looking group.

Most improved -- 1. Matt Harpring, Jazz. Never averaged 12 points in his first five seasons, jumped to 17.6 in this one. 2. Gilbert Arenas, Warriors. Second-year players often make big jumps, but he made a quantum leap from too-small-shooting guard and second-round pick to budding star point guard. 3. Earl Boykins, Warriors. At 5 foot 5, he’d be small for a ballboy but he turned into a game-changer.

Probable winner -- Harpring.

Defensive player of the year -- 1. Ben Wallace. Pistons. At 6-8, he couldn’t play center in the West and would be undersized for a power forward, but he averaged an amazing 15 rebounds and 3.2 blocked shots. 2. Ron Artest, Pacers. A rare, if goofy, talent who’s the game’s best one-on-one defender and a great ball stealer too. 3. Tie between Duncan, No. 3 in defensive rebounds and blocks, and Garnett, No. 1 in defensive rebounds and able to guard any position on the floor.

Probable winner -- Wallace.

Sixth man -- 1. Nick Van Exel, Mavericks. Not the most popular guy around -- more like the least -- but he gave already-loaded Dallas another dimension, a big-play, big-game performer who averaged 12.5 points, shot 38% on three-pointers and fit nicely with Steve Nash, which no one believed possible. 2. Corliss Williamson, Pistons. The bench is their secret weapon and he’s their top sub, going into the post and becoming a primary option in crunch time. 3. Michael Redd, Bucks. Led all reserves with 15 a game and shot 44% on three-pointers.

Probable winner -- Redd.

All-NBA first team -- O’Neal, Duncan, Garnett, Bryant and Kidd.

Second team -- Webber, Dirk Nowitzki, Mavericks; David Robinson, Spurs; Tracy McGrady, Magic, and Iverson, 76ers. I can’t put Wallace on the second team so call this a lifetime achievement award for Robinson.

Third team -- Karl Malone, Jazz; Jermaine O’Neal, Pacers; Wallace, Paul Pierce, Celtics, and Nash.

All-Interview -- The NBA is the only league that does this self-congratulatory number, which was OK in the ‘80s when its superstars were as gracious as any pro athletes, even the unpretentious NHL guys -- a distinction whose time has passed.

Nevertheless ...

Webber. Ritually bashed by the media, he remains the most gracious of the great stars. 2. Elton Brand, Clippers. Super gracious and manages to give responsive answers while remaining loyal to the program, even their program. 3. Rick Fox, Lakers. Homer pick for our go-to guy. 4. Robinson. An officer, gentleman and great quote. 5. Yao. Not only was he gracious, he was funny too.

(Personal to Donald T. Sterling: To see who wins the annual award I give in your name -- the Donald -- check back next week. Best wishes for the off-season. M.H.)