It will be a tale of two Arnolds

We can hardly wait for the first televised gubernatorial debate, partly so we can hear how Arnold Schwarzenegger mangles the pronunciation of “gubernatorial,” but mostly so we can see him square off against actor-candidate Gary Coleman of “Diff’rent Strokes” fame.

Coleman, who stands 4-foot-8, might need a jet pack to reach the lectern microphone. But that doesn’t mean he’s a pushover. According to the East Bay Express, the weekly newspaper that bankrolled his candidacy, Coleman has some pint-sized Terminator blood coursing through his veins. When the Express told him that state legislators were seen puffing cigars and sipping Scotch during the state’s budget deadlock, Coleman promised to “find them and put my size four-and-a-halfs so deep into their colon.”

It’s too bad that actor Bruce Willis hasn’t entered the recall race. That way, whenever Coleman, a.k.a. Arnold on “Diff’rent Strokes,” was asked to give a rebuttal during the debate, he could snarl, “What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”

Campaign slogan of the week

“I may be paralyzed from the waist down, but unlike Gray Davis, I’m not paralyzed from the neck up.”

-- Porn king candidate Larry Flynt, the self-described “smut peddler with a heart.”

Misquote of the day?

Schwarzenegger was widely quoted this week as saying everyone in California should have not just a good job, but a “fantastic job.” David Allen of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin thinks the Brentwood strongman was misunderstood: “He really meant that California’s unemployed should join a touring company of ‘The Fantasticks.’ Either that or pursue openings at Fantastic Sam’s.”

Late-night blotter

From comic Conan O’Brien’s conversation with a Schwarzenegger impersonator:

Conan: What would you do about California’s fiscal crisis?

Fake Arnold: I don’t know. I’ve never been in a movie about a fiscal crisis. Is it something I can blow away with a bazooka?

Sources: Associated Press