Forget votes -- he needs a few good one-liners

Poor Cruz Bustamante. How is anyone supposed to take his campaign for governor seriously if late-night comedians never tell any jokes about him?

All the other important candidates -- Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gray Davis, Gary Coleman -- have been lampooned in numerous monologue gags.

Even such also-rans as feminist Larry Flynt, watermelon assassin Gallagher and professional tax dodger Arianna Huffington have been deemed credible enough to merit a few one-liners (sample “Tonight Show” quip: “Why would Larry Flynt want to leave the porno industry and get into something sleazy like politics?”).Yet Bustamante remains off the radar. The only humor attempt we’ve found is this Aug. 11 crack from Jay Leno: “Cruz Bustamante? Doesn’t that sound like some sickness you get on one of those Carnival cruises?”

Clearly something must be done. Bustamante is just as capable of selling the state down the river as Democratic joke hog Davis (for example, Cruz’s anti-deficit proposals conveniently avoid raising taxes on Indian casinos, his chief source of campaign donations). But without the legitimacy conferred by being a national punch line, his candidacy is doomed.

So we’re sponsoring a contest, complete with fabulous prizes, for the best Cruz Bustamante jokes (we’ll also consider Peter Ueberroth or Tom McClintock gags). All submissions must be original (please don’t insert Bustamante into an existing joke, a la “A priest, a rabbi and a lieutenant governor walk into a bar ... “).

First prize is Gary Larson’s new two-volume set, “The Complete Far Side,” a $135 value ($210 Canadian). Runners-up prizes include a “Freaky Friday” metal fortune cookie, a dancing hamster doll, a box of Topps candy or a bottle of Beyond Paradise perfume.

Get your entries to us no later than Aug. 26 via e-mail (roy.rivenburg@latimes.com), fax ([213] 237-4888) or letter (Roy Rivenburg’s Recall Madness, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA 90012). Include your name, address, phone number and prize preferences.

Fake recall story of the week

Datelinehollywood.com, a satirical Web site, reports that Schwarzenegger plans to move the state capital to Canada to cut government operating costs. Parts of Vancouver look like Sacramento anyway, his aides say. “Although the historic recall election is not until Oct. 7, pre-production has already started in Vancouver, where crews are building a replica of the capitol, which will be used for exterior shots only,” the article says.

Late-night blotter

“Bill Clinton met with Gray Davis to try to advise him and give him pointers. Do you really think Clinton can help Gray Davis be more exciting and appealing in 55 days? Clinton had eight years with Al Gore and he couldn’t do anything with that.” (Leno)

Sources: www.laobserved .com

“Recall Madness” runs every Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday in Calendar. E-mail comments and questions to roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.