A little advertising advice for Davis

We feel guilty offering advice to alleged Gov. Gray Davis (motto: “Give me three more years and I promise to run the deficit up to $150 billion, a number we can all be proud of”), but if we were in charge of his campaign, we’d saturate the media with a recall edition of MasterCard’s “priceless” ads (pictured at right).

If that failed, we might try to portray Davis as a sizzling sex symbol.

[Editor’s note: The following paragraph may contain images disturbing to Republicans, small children and anyone trying to eat breakfast while reading the paper. Discretion is advised.]

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, Davis was “a good kisser” in his youth -- before he began using his seduction skills on campaign contributors instead of women. Actress Cybill Shepherd recalled meeting the future political hack when she was 16 and he was 24. It was in Hawaii, where she was on vacation and he was working a summer job. She told the paper: “We made out passionately on the beach. We were covered with sand, but we were never lovers.”

Innovations in fund-raising

It’s the next best thing to sleeping her way to the top. Porn star Mary Carey has pledged to go on a dinner date with anyone who contributes $5,000 to her campaign for governor.

Ex-campaign promises

When Don Novello got disqualified from the recall ballot last week, California lost one of its leading political lights. Included in his platform was a proposal to solve two pressing problems -- overcrowded prisons and illegal immigration. “I call it Three Strikes and You’re a Border Guard,” said Novello, who is better known for his role as Father Guido Sarducci on “Saturday Night Live.”

The comedian also wanted to move the governor’s mansion to Santa Barbara.

Anywhere but Sacramento, he said, recalling a legendary quote from a Donner Party member who was about to be eaten: “It’s a terrible way to go, but at least we don’t have to go through Sacramento.”

Late-night blotter

“Arnold Schwarzenegger campaigned in New York this week, where he stepped up his controversial goal of helping children.... It’s all summed up in his campaign slogan, ‘Arnold Schwarzenegger: Cutting violence in half with a laser-guided chain gun across a charred landscape -- for the children.’ ” (Jon Stewart)

Senior advisor: Susanna Timmons. “Recall Madness” runs on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays in Calendar. E-mail comments to roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

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Getting a recall onto the ballot: $1.7 million

Holding a special election in October: $66 million

Hiring translators for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Arianna Huffington during the debates: $294

Seeing Gary Coleman sworn into office after winning just 5% of the vote: Priceless