Trouble Getting the Party Started

I looked at the calendar to see if perhaps I was wrong.

No, unfortunately. It’s only December.

That means I’ve got to endure 11 more months of watching Democratic candidates try to figure out who they are and why they’re running for president.

Is there enough liquor in my cabinet?

The Democratic Party is in the midst of a nationally televised nervous breakdown, and it’s only just begun.

The Dow goes up two points, and Democratic presidential candidates panic.

The U.S. military grabs Saddam, and they don’t know whether to wave the flag or kick the dog.

They did a little of both this week, ganging up on front-runner Howard Dean, who has staked his candidacy on his opposition to the war. Dean was in Los Angeles and said Hussein’s capture “has not made America safer.”

He may have been right, but that doesn’t matter. Dean, the candidate who probably can’t win, was attacked by the candidates who can’t get going.

By the way, the best way to get information out of Saddam Hussein isn’t through sleep deprivation, water torture or the dentist from “Marathon Man,” despite the appeal of each. Make him watch the debates among Democratic candidates, over and over, and he’ll talk.

It’s early in the campaign, of course, and anything can happen between now and November. But the tired old Democratic Party is in trouble.

I saw the beginnings of it the last time around, when Al Gore was so busy trying to figure out what to wear, what to say and how to say it, he walked into a critical debate one night and had the living daylights beat out of him by a guy who could barely put sentences together.

Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry didn’t learn a thing from Gore’s nosedive. Kerry has fired one campaign manager, tried becoming a populist back in November, and just this week, he stopped being Disappointed Chosen One and became Angry Underdog.

He and other Democratic candidates are forever hand-wringing, navel-gazing and window-shopping for a theme, a look, a plan, as they try to figure out whether to go after minorities or soccer moms, moderates or NASCAR dads, the traditional base or some unidentified new sector.

Meanwhile, from Newport Beach, Calif., to Newport, R.I., Republicans know exactly who they are and what they want, just like the guy who goes to the same joint every night and orders a rare T-bone and a Bombay martini with a twist.

Sure, there may be differences here and there on social issues, but all a GOP candidate has to do is utter the words “no new taxes,” or rip into Dems who do nothing but “spend, spend, spend,” and Republicans of all stripes will rise up and flock to the polls.

Ring any bells? Sure it does, but Arnold Schwarzenegger got lots of help from Gray Davis, who pulled off the miracle of getting tossed out of office in a state with a gigantic Democratic majority.

Among other problems, Davis was the poster boy for every wishy-washy, calculating, self-hating Democrat in America, and we’ve got a half-dozen more of them running for president now. Even John Burton, the card-carrying lefty and California Senate president pro tem, couldn’t stand Davis.

“He was a Democrat,” Burton told The Times, “and he didn’t act like a Democrat -- which, I think, is one of the reasons he got recalled.”

But Burton seems to like Republican Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, at least in the early going. That’s because despite differences that run wide and deep, Burton knows who he’s dealing with, and Schwarzenegger seems to know what he wants, if not how to get it.

In that regard, Dems across the nation are lost in the woods. Rather than develop a coherent mission -- such as becoming the unflagging voice for the poor, or for working families getting crushed by national policy and global economics -- party leaders keep getting sidetracked.

Exhibit A is the harebrained scheme to develop their own bombastic radio and TV show hosts, just like the Republicans. Maybe they’ve given up on that idea, now that Hollywood has come to the rescue of the distressed Democratic Party.

A group of self-congratulatory entertainment industry liberals has linked up with another starry-eyed group that wants to spend $80 million on behalf of a viable Democratic candidate -- should one ever surface -- dodging campaign finance laws if necessary.

Thank you, Hollywood.

America relies on the entertainment industry to lead the way in making our objectives pure and our standards high.

Earlier this month, the Hollywood players -- who actually call themselves America Coming Together -- had a fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton.

“This is the most important meeting you can attend,” said the invitation, “to prevent the advancement of the current extremist right wing agenda.”

I’ve got news for you. It’s going to take more than the price of a major motion picture to rescue the Democratic Party. And doesn’t Hollywood have better ways to blow $80 million?

Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday.