Now under scrutiny: the Teengirl of the species

A teenage granddaughter moved in with us recently, and I am trying to readjust, after many years out of practice, to the behavior patterns of female adolescence.

Every once in a while, for various reasons, grandparents are called upon to take in a family member, and most of us at least do so in a spirit of goodwill.

Cinelli and I have raised girls and a boy, but that was some years ago, so we didn’t quite know what to expect when Teengirl moved in. I made it a point to observe her closely in order to adjust to her presence, the way a zoologist might observe a new species of mouse.

In so doing, I have made discoveries that I would like to pass on today to anyone with a teenage female in the house. Forget the highs and lows of delight and dejection. They come along with the kind of hormonal changes that can turn your delightful little preadolescent daughter into a mutant that would challenge Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I’m just listing what, in the teen world at least, is regarded as somewhat normal, a term that covers a wide scope of behavior. Here are my observations:

1. A teenage girl rarely closes drawers or turns out lights. Drawers are always left half-open, in the belief, I suppose, that eventually she might want to put something in them again. Lights are left on due to the physical exertion required to turn a switch to OFF.

2. A teenage girl rarely puts anything away. This is particularly confusing. Since drawers and closet doors are left open, it would only necessitate a limited amount of energy to stuff or dump things into one or the other. I suspect that occasionally girls try, but perhaps a visual deficiency prevents them from achieving their goal.

3. A teenage girl will often leave unfinished food in her room, like a half-eaten apple, half of a sandwich or nibbled-at cookies. This, I assume, is a survival instinct not dissimilar from that of a squirrel storing acorns. When winter comes, she will have resources in her nest to carry her through to spring.

4. A teenage girl never has the kind of homework that requires a lot of time, therefore allowing her to do it at an hour she calls “later.” It is only as she is working on it feverishly at 2 in the morning that we learn her teacher has thrown her a curve and is demanding more than the girl expected, poor thing.

5. A teenage girl never answers immediately, but it’s not her fault. Due to adolescent immaturity, the synaptic connections in the brain are not quite developed, requiring more time before a message such as “Time to get off the phone” can be deciphered.

6. When a teenage girl does answer, it is coded in a mumble, based on the notion that if one speaks clearly, an adult might understand what she’s saying and object to it. A common reply to the question “What time will you be home?” is “Don’tagrimattercouldhatjunewaitifi’llseeyouknow.”

7. A teenage girl will always be available “in a minute.” This requires an elevated understanding of what a minute is in the world of adolescent females. They have a different notion of time, in which a minute on the phone can be 30 minutes, while a minute in the shower can stretch to infinity, due to hair that never seems to get clean or shiny enough. The shower hours are why water shortages are always a problem in major cities such as L.A.

8. A teenage girl never has anything to wear. Since they don’t wear anything but jeans, a blouse and sometimes a sweater, I don’t quite understand the problem. Once I suggested to our granddaughter that there might be something to wear among the clothes scattered on the floor, and she looked at me as though I had suggested she go to school dressed in something uncool. That can be anything from her brother’s shoes to last year’s jacket.

There will be other observations as time goes by. I’m still wondering, for instance, why teenage girls are never hungry and then eat like baby lions when food is placed in front of them. I am similarly amazed at how they can walk along followed by three lovesick teenage boys and never seem to even realize they’re there. And what triggers a burst of squeals and giggles among a group of them when not a word has been said or a gesture made.

I’ve asked our live-in teen to sit down with me and answer some of these questions. She promised she would. She’ll be here in a minute.

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Al Martinez’s column appears Mondays and Fridays. He’s at al.martinez@latimes.com.