Soundtrack of the year

Keeping in mind that there’s a thin line between stupendous and stupid, 2003 was a year of extraordinary achievements: Hooters started its own airline; Gray Davis declared that “we have people from every planet on the Earth in this state”; Madonna smooched Britney Spears on national TV; “Gigli”; President Bush launched a sequel to Geraldo Rivera’s search for Al Capone’s vault with his hunt for Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction.

And so on.

Amid this display of genius, it wasn’t easy to choose 2003’s most impressive moments, but here’s our official top 10:

* Grooming. With only two weeks left in the contest year, Saddam Hussein unexpectedly overtook front-runners Glen Campbell, George Clinton and Michael Jackson to win the annual Nick Nolte Award for best mug shot.

* Diplomacy. In a strategy that could avert numerous future wars, Secretary of State Colin Powell hired Godfather of Soul James Brown to “liven things up” on diplomatic missions. At a December dinner for Kennedy Center Honors recipients, Powell told the singer, “I hereby appoint you Secretary of Soul and Foreign Minister of Funk.”

* Perspective. London’s Guardian newspaper demonstrated its firm understanding of heroism when it offered this description of a May meeting between South Africa’s Nelson Mandela and British soccer star David Beckham: “One is an icon of his generation, adored by millions across the globe, who has brought hope to his nation where there was once despair. The other is Nelson Mandela.”

* Family values. Carl’s Jr., the Abercrombie & Fitch of the fast-food world, followed up on its Dennis Rodman and seductress-on-a-mechanical-bull commercials by hiring creepy has-been Hugh Hefner, whose gimmick of constantly wearing silk pajamas got old about 40 years ago, as a burger spokesman.

* Journalism. America’s most trusted supermarket tabloid, the Weekly World News, scored another coup when it uncovered “President Bush’s Shocking Plan to Invade the Moon -- and Make It the 51st State!” According to the tabloid, Bush hopes to appoint Al Gore as “live-in governor of the moon.”

* Linguistics. Trying to appear intellectual while gloating about the misfortunes of Martha Stewart and other celebrities, U.S. journalists made schadenfreude the most overused German word since fahrvergnuegen.

* Cinema verite. Skank queen Paris Hilton, in a misguided tryout for “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” answered her cellphone in the middle of a sexual tryst in her infamous tape. Can you hear me now?

* Health. Talk show host Rush Limbaugh upstaged President Bush’s prescription drug plan with a drug plan of his own.

* Animal husbandry. Presenting a feline version of Dan White’s Twinkie defense, illusionist Siegfried Fischbacher of Siegfried & Roy insisted that Montecore the tiger was actually trying to protect Roy Horn while it was ripping him to shreds.

* Technology. Thirty years after Woody Allen pioneered the concept in “Sleeper,” Stuart Meloy won FDA approval to test his “Orgasmatron,” an implanted device that gives women an orgasm at the press of a remote-control button. Fighting over the remote never felt so good.