Babe Factor Might Be Just What PGA Needs

Ordinarily I don’t think a golf course is any place for a woman, what with the way men carry on -- you know, all that cussing and yelling just because the women are slowing everyone down.

The men came up with this exclusive club designed to eliminate the slowpokes so everyone could have a good time, tell dirty stories and tee off from the same place, and they call it the PGA Tour. Most folks don’t pay it much attention, of course, unless Tiger Woods is playing.

Unfortunately, when you isolate men like this from women for long periods of time, you get cranky men, especially when they realize no one is watching them.

Take last year. Woods withdrew from the Nissan Open a few days before the Riviera tournament began, and so I asked Fred Couples and the defending champion, some chump named Robert Allenby, why anyone would be interested in watching an event that didn’t include Woods in the field.

Well, both men went bonkers. Couples claimed I made journalistic history -- “That’s the most ridiculous question I’ve ever heard” -- and Allenby carried on so, I thought he was going to cry. I’ve played golf with Dodger Manager Jim Tracy, and he hit a lot of balls out of bounds, so I’m used to people crying on the golf course.

I wonder, though, if we’ll ever see Couples and Allenby again. So far they haven’t committed to playing in this year’s Nissan Open. I presume they’re waiting to see if I’m going to be in town -- as if I’d really go out of my way to ask each of them why anyone would be interested in watching a golf tournament that didn’t include Annika Sorenstam in the field.

*

SORENSTAM IS just what the PGA Tour needs, especially if Tiger isn’t playing that week. OK, so Fox golf reporter Lisa Dergan would do just fine too, if she’s not bogged down with one of her Playboy shoots or her serious TV duties.

It has already been reported that seven PGA Tour events have extended exemption invitations to Sorenstam to spice up their tournaments. I’d put a golf club in Salma Hayek’s hands, and I’m sure she’s got a great swing too, but that’s just me.

I took for granted that the Nissan Open would extend an invitation to Sorenstam. The last, and only, woman to play in a men’s professional tournament was Babe Didrickson, in the L.A. Open in 1938 and 1945. (Imagine a woman playing golf today as a professional and being known as “Babe.”)

The Feb. 20-23 Nissan Open has already been advised that Phil Mickelson and Ernie Els won’t be here, and Sergio Garcia and David Duval have yet to commit, which leaves the greens free for Len Mattiace to repeat as the wake-me-when-it’s-over champion. The Nissan Open could use a Babe.

*

TOURNAMENT ORGANIZERS believe they will sell 15% to 20% more tickets if Tiger plays, and right now expectations remain high he will commit to the tournament before the Feb. 14 deadline. They also believe Sorenstam would have had the same impact on the gate, but that gate has already been slammed shut.

The Nissan Open had four available exemptions to invite anyone, “including you,” said tournament director Tom Pulchinski, “only I have seen you swing the club.”

No one had mentioned Sorenstam’s name when it came time for Pulchinski to pass out invitations, so he invited four of the world’s top golfers -- two of whom I have never heard of: Eduardo Romero and

Niclas Fasth.

He also invited Darren Clarke and Mrs. Doubtfire, who isn’t exactly a Babe, but better known as Colin Montgomerie. Can’t wait to ask Monty if anyone should really be interested in an event that doesn’t include Sorenstam.

*

NO ONE can recall seeing Sorenstam play Riviera, but a few years ago Amy Alcott played in the Nissan Open Pro-Am and shot a 72 from the pros’ black tees -- or about 50 strokes better than what Tracy would score from back there.

*

THE CLIPPERS have given fans no reason to cheer this season, and now that Michael Olowokandi is going to be sidelined, making him unavailable to be booed, I’m not sure there’s a reason to go to a Clipper game anymore.

*

ACTOR HAL Holbrook will recite the Gettysburg Address as part of the 11th annual Abe Lincoln Remembrance at the Los Angeles National Cemetery on Feb. 12 at noon. Times Sports Editor Bill Dwyre, the only known living contemporary of Lincoln, will serve as master of ceremonies for the free event.

*

EXPLAIN THIS one. The ratings for the NFL’s Pro Bowl were up 37% here. The game drew a 5.6 -- compared to the Arena Football League’s debut on NBC in L.A., which drew an 0.9.

*

TAMPA BAY Coach Jon Gruden will appear on David Letterman tonight and ring the bell at the opening of the New York Stock Exchange on Wednesday morning, loud enough, I presume, so Al Davis can hear it all the way back in Oakland.

*

A STORY in the Sacramento Bee last week -- lacking only facts, credibility and proper journalism techniques -- suggested that Kobe Bryant might have been drunk rather than suffering from food poisoning last year during the playoffs.

The Schroeder Family e-mailed to say, “We have been discussing it, and if the folks in Sacramento think Kobe has an alcohol problem, it is probably because they have seen him sipping champagne for the past three years.”

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Ollie Steinberg:

“In regards to ‘Kobe finds motivation, humor in new movie,’ my daughter, who is in third grade, writes better than you.”

Most second graders can do that; nice to see your kid is catching up.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.