The Thought of Winning Has Him Feeling Flush

It’s not going to be easy, as I understand it, to win $1.5 million. I’ve been told I might have to match wits today with Kato Kaelin, or make small talk with Meatloaf.

Fortunately all these years I’ve been telling the wife there was good reason to have that poster of Farrah Fawcett hanging on the bedroom wall, and if I find myself sitting across from Farrah at a World Poker Tour event in the Commerce Casino, it’ll be just like my bedroom back at home -- I’ll be able to act as if nothing special is going on.

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I THINK I’m ready for this, although I still remain a little shaky on whether it’s a flush that beats a straight or a straight that beats a flush.

I was told because of my appearances on ESPN’s “Around the Horn,” that I’ve achieved the same level of celebrity status as Kato, and while you can imagine how proud that would have made my parents, the World Poker Tour is giving me the chance to win enough money so I never have to write another column. (This makes me wonder if a USC grad is calling the shots for the World Poker Tour.)

The 13-stop Tour, which has already visited Aruba and Paris, comes to L.A. today and will be televised on the Travel Channel later -- now you know why they didn’t invite Times’ sports editor Bill Dwyre.

The two-day, no-limit, Texas hold ‘em event -- for those who last that long, will have celebrities and world championship poker players competing for a free ride in the World Poker Classic at the Bellagio Hotel and Casino in April, which requires a $25,000 buy-in for everyone else -- and a chance to win the $1.5-million top prize. I’d finally get the chance to feel what it’s like to make as much money as Kevin Brown makes for sitting on the disabled list for a month.

The last celebrity left in the L.A. competition also will have $5,000 donated to the charity of his choice. (I’ll probably be getting a call from Donald Sterling today asking if I’d designate the Clippers as my choice.)

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NOW I’M guessing you won’t find a column in this space Wednesday because I’ll still be at the Commerce Casino slugging it out with Connie Stevens. I’m excited because I had no idea she was still alive. Maybe she’ll hum me a few bars of “Kookie Kookie, lend me your comb,” between hands. Maybe Loaf can chime in too.

Lou Diamond Phillips is also scheduled to compete, and I wonder if he would have gotten any parts if his name were just Lou Phillips? I remember him in “Courage Under Fire,” and if my memory is correct, he drove off, played chicken with a train and got run over. So I would imagine this is a guy who probably bluffs a lot and will get wiped out by a really good hand.

There was talk Ed Norton, star of the poker movie, “Rounders,” might enter the tournament, which probably would have led to one hand -- winner take Salma Hayek and all -- but it’s just as well he’s not going to be here because what would I have done with her?

“You won’t have to worry about the celebrities for very long,” said Phil Hellmuth Jr., who is considered by his peers the best tournament poker player in the world. “Going into a tournament like this, I look at the celebrities as easy chips to gather. I would think a good number of the celebrities will be gone in the first few hours; the odds are probably 1,000 to 1 against you winning.”

At least I’ll get a feeling of what it’s like to be the Dodgers for a day or two.

Hellmuth, 38, has been playing poker since he was 20. He has never had a job. He spends about $250,000 a year entering tournaments and has won millions. He paid $10,000 Friday to enter a four-day tournament, lasted seven hours and went bust. Oh well -- $10,000. At age 24 he won the Poker World Series and more than $700,000. He’s writing a book, “Play Poker Like the Pros.” I’ve seen excerpts; it seems pretty easy to me.

Two cards are dealt down, the book says bet if you have a pair of sevens or better, and I’m pretty sure even Kato could have figured that out.

“I lost a quarter-of-a-million-dollar pot to somebody just like that,” Hellmuth said. “I’ve got ace-king the same suit, he opens for $8,000, I raise him $17,000 and he raises $81,000. He’s got queen-10, and a queen-10 is turned up in the middle. I lose. He’s just lucky. That’s the only thing that gets me really upset -- losing to someone who makes a bonehead play. I can’t believe I’m telling you what my weakness is.... “

I’d think making a bonehead play is probably my strength. What happens if Kato and I go head-to-head at some point?

“The players who are conservative have the best chance to survive,” he said. I don’t intend to play poker any differently than I approach Page Two, I said.

“If that’s the case, you’ll be gone in a minute,” Hellmuth said.

My plan, though, is to win the $1.5 million and never write another column.

“Then you better pay the $25,000 entry fee for the championship in Las Vegas,” he said, “because you got no shot winning this as long as I’m playing.”

I’ve got a pretty good hole card, though. I know the power of distraction, because I read it in his book, and I’m betting Mr. Card Shark is not going to be prepared today -- like I am -- when he sees Farrah Fawcett.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Hank Henry:

“My wife and I return to L.A. every April for the L.A. Times Festival of Books at UCLA. I see some of the sports writers being featured are Mitch Albom, Frank Deford and Bill Plaschke. Will you be making an appearance too?”

Only if Plaschke needs help carrying his books.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at

t.j.simers@latimes.com.