If you’ve got an ice pack (or pick) in one hand and a very strong cup of coffee in the other, you have no hands free to write your New Year’s resolutions. Don’t fret. It will give you wrinkles. I have compiled a handy list of resolutions for all you single girls out there.
Eat more cake. And be generous: Let them eat cake too.
Don’t sweat that five pounds. In fact, try not to sweat at all. It’s unbecoming.
Drink more festive cocktails.
Buy more clothes. Can you really afford not to look fabulous at all times? Ditto shoes.
Date only men your own age. Or younger.
The next time an old geezer asks you out, say, “I’m sorry. You must think I’m older than I am.”
Follow the “two-time rule": If a date flakes on you two times, you have permission to two-time him.
Remember that you won’t meet Mr. Right at the gym. He’ll be too busy admiring his muscles. So really, there’s no reason to go to a gym.
Keep out of chat rooms unless you want to date 14-year-olds or 50-year-olds who are 5 feet 2.
Your mother was right: Sit on your hands when the check comes. If a guy insists on splitting the bill on the first three dates, pay for one thing only: your cab fare home.
Don’t date men who are (a) recently divorced (they will use your heart as a stepping-stone to the Field), (b) getting a divorce (“comfort women” went out of style after World War II), (c) “thinking” about getting a divorce (unless they offer a legal financial arrangement, as in “Gigi”).
Take only gay men to the opera and the ballet. They will dress appropriately, and you can sing arias together in the car on the way home. A hetero date will whine, then snore, then make you go to 10 sporting events to even the score.
Browse the men’s clothing aisles. You’re more attractive to men if they think you’re taken.
Send yourself flowers to work. It will drive the other women nuts, and see above.
Throw a drink in a lecher’s face, or make a similar scene at a restaurant. (Haven’t you always wanted to?)
If a guy won’t leave you alone, tell him you can’t wait to marry him and have oodles of kids.
Never return a gift to a guy in a huff. Especially jewelry. Unless you never liked it in the first place. If it’s 10-karat gold, fire away.
Cubic zirconia is not the same as diamonds. Accept it and your self-esteem will suffer.
Stop shopping at stores that demand that if you register for their online gift registry, you have to list the name of your fiance and wedding date. A friend, who just bought her own house, told one such store that her husband-to-be was one “Joseph Blow.”
You can never have too many beauty products. When you open your bathroom cabinet, at least three products should fall out.
You can never take too many bubble baths.
Throw away all “gift with purchase” lipsticks. They’re always hideous.
Paint your toenails gold in the middle of winter. No one can see them -- but you will know.
Do not visit the land of Botoxia. You must retain your ability to sneer.
Renew your vow not to add to the world’s already overburdened population. A fine figure is a terrible thing to waste.
Bake cookies for your dog.
Plant a catnip patch for your cat.
When faced with a moral dilemma, ask yourself: “What would Jennifer Lopez do?” (WWJ.LoD?) The answer is usually either “Get a new husband” or “Open a restaurant.”
When people are mean to you, remember, they just hate you because you’re beautiful.