Her dates stir the haiku poet’s soul

The names have been changed to protect me from hate mail. Not in chronological order.

CHIP

Tall, dark and handsome

Never heard of Puccini

Too bad he’s so dense.

*

REED

Tooting your own horn

Playing the same whiny note

Hungry musician.

*

DANNY

Wannabe actor

Cooing over new babies

He is too sincere.

*

CHAD

Penny-wise player

Flirting with other women

Not short, a small man.

*

LUKE

He loves Jesus Christ

Not sleeping in the same bed

Maybe he is gay.

*

WILL

Gorgeous pale blue eyes

Great body, knows how to dress

Definitely gay.

*

BEN

Hails from the Heartland

Jewish boy with fishing rod

Who eats at Denny’s.

*

ERROL

He made me dinner

But his only appetite

Was for Wild Turkey.

*

ELIJAH

Born to mild Quakers

But mind you do not shake him

Rage in the machine.

*

JETHRO

Doesn’t like ballet

Never heard of Thai iced tea!

Why should I bother?

*

ABE

Chandelier brusher

Downs three beers, two vodka shots

Known as “Big Daddy.”

*

DUKE

Two makeout sessions

Never heard from him again

Too busy surfing.

*

GUIDO

The calls never stop

How did he get my e-mail?

Make him go away!

*

DICK

Buys me cheap jewelry

Can never get hold of him

Doh -- he is married!

*

ROLF

My cat made him sneeze

He lives 90 miles away

Besides, he is short.

*

THE KEEPER

Always kept his head

Dating under the dangling

Sword of Sam-ocles!

Samantha Bonar can be contacted by e-mail at samantha.bonar@latimes.com.