Not-so-rough riders

It’s hardly a secret that most actresses who ride motorcycles in the movies are really just pretending. Take the new flick “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.” Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, Cameron Diaz -- all appear to catch major air on their dirt bikes during a gravity-defying motocross sequence.

In reality, the trio in tight leather never turned over their ignitions. It wasn’t Barrymore flying high over her handlebars or Diaz eating dust. The impressive heel clickers and flips were performed by professional motocrossers -- all of them men. In wigs.

As a woman who really does ride, this is annoying, not because it’s fake, but because it’s misleading, and not in the way you might think.

Don’t get me wrong. I like watching a ridiculously dangerous motorcycle sequence as much as anyone. But I do have issues with the close-ups. This is how the scene usually unfolds: There’s the heart-pounding distant shot of girls popping wheelies and racing backward through traffic -- then the tight shot as they pull off their helmets to reveal flawless makeup and heads of shimmery, stylist-fresh hair.

Let’s start with the makeup. It may look good when you get on the bike, but travel behind a Mack truck and you can kiss that lipstick job goodbye. Viva Glam transformed by the street to a new shade: soot. The gritty black stuff sticks.

Moving on to hair -- any real rider will tell you: It just doesn’t look like that after a ride. It’s flat. And if you’ve ridden for any length of time, it begins to take on the shape of the helmet’s interior, you know ... helmet head.

I have no beef with helmets. I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t wear one. But in movies, they’re great for another reason. The helmets disguise the reality -- that most actresses who seem so at ease on a bike can’t distinguish the clutch from the brake lever. Take Angelina Jolie, who, in “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider,” rides a Ducati. When she (or, rather, her stunt double,) does a spin-out, she is, conveniently, wearing a full-face helmet.

Thirty-five years ago, Marianne Faithfull faked it in “Girl on a Motorcycle,” a movie with indulgently long riding scenes performed by a boy in a leather cat suit.

Carrie-Anne Moss learned to ride for “The Matrix” movies and did all of the riding “that needed to be her,” according to her publicist, but in real life she rides a Jeep. The real tough stuff in the latest film was left to veteran stuntwoman Debbie Evans.

Moss isn’t the first to learn enough about motorcycles to get by. Pamela Anderson did it for the cheesy apocalyptic action flick “Barb Wire.” Jessica Alba also rode in the now-defunct TV series “Dark Angel.” But those who don’t outnumber those who do.

It’s easy to understand why directors are so tempted to put chicks on bikes. It’s an image that is not only tough, but sexy -- beautiful stars straddling 400 pounds of hot, vibrating metal.

And it’s just as easy to understand why most directors don’t want these same chicks to ride for real: danger. Risking life and limb just isn’t part of the job description. They’re paid to look good -- not to hobble around on crutches nursing broken legs.

Learning how to ride, really ride, takes time -- time most stars don’t have. Besides, few things are less sexy than a girl who’s new to the sport. Hot is hardly the word that springs to mind when watching a woman stall the engine at a stoplight, then buck the bike like a bronco after accidentally popping the clutch. It’s better to leave the riding to the pros.

The films in which the actresses do ride in all of their scenes are B movies with no-name leads and pathetic titles -- “She Devils on Wheels,” for example, or “Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town.”

Maybe I should just relax. So what if Barrymore, Diaz and Liu can’t ride? They’re actors and pretending to ride motorcycles is just as much a part of their job as pretending to surf. Guess that’s why they’re Charlie’s, not Hells, Angels.

Susan Carpenter can be contacted at susan.carpenter@latimes.com.