Amour, Not War

Andy Borowitz writes a daily humor column at

Dr. Wendy Agar, an expert in the field of relationships, answers your questions about love, romance and intimacy.

Dear Dr. Wendy: I have fallen madly, passionately in love with French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin. My friends tell me that I shouldn't trust the French, especially after the way they've backstabbed us in the Security Council. But once I get a load of Dominique's dreamy eyes and his sexy French accent, I completely forget that he's about to veto our resolution. Should I listen to my friends or my heart?


Conflicted in Tulsa

Dear Conflicted: Your friends are completely justified in saying that the French are a bunch of sneaky ingrates who have given the U.S. the shaft. I feel, however, that they should vilify Jacques Chirac and not De Villepin. Why? Because De Villepin is, without question, the hottest hottie in NATO. Go to him, Conflicted. Go to him.


Dear Dr. Wendy: What do you do when you're crazy about a guy but can't get him to commit? The guy I'm talking about, just so you know, is French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin. I'm so desperate for an answer from him, I've started showing up at the U.N. after the Security Council lets out, hoping to get some "alone time" with him, but he's always whisked away by a Lincoln Town Car with diplomatic plates.

I know he's got a lot on his mind these days, but I think the most important thing in his life should be me. Please help!


Losing Patience in Teaneck

Dear Losing: From everything I know about De Villepin -- and I've devoted many hours to studying him -- he is a man who does not like to conform to someone else's timetable. If you press him for an answer right away, he's likely to ask for more time or, even worse, rebuke you with an imperious "Non!" My advice to you, as difficult as it may sound, is to be patient. Remember, the right man is well worth waiting for, especially when that man is a sizzling uber-hunk like De Villepin.


Dear Dr. Wendy: I am the secretary of State of a large Western superpower. Whenever I see Dominique de Villepin talking on TV, I want to put my fist through the screen. And when the women in the department go on and on about how sexy he is, it drives me right up the wall. He is not sexy! He is annoying! Why won't anyone agree with me? I feel so alone.


Isolated in D.C.

P.S. I always thought Dominique was a girl's name.

Dear Isolated: I sense a lot of anger from you. Perhaps you should consider some sort of anger management program, because right now you seem to be directing your rage at a very undeserving target, namely De Villepin. Don't let your anger cloud your perception of reality. In this case, the reality is that De Villepin is and will always be the super-sexiest pot of steaming love in the cosmos.


Note to my readers: Over the next few days, Dominique de Villepin will be participating in the televised debates of the U.N. Security Council. I will be taking the week off.

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