This Is Dodgers’ Idea of a Blockbuster Trade

This just in.

The Dodgers, getting a look at the Vladimir Guerrero/Garret Anderson/Troy Glaus Angels, decided they needed more talent and announced two trades Saturday night.

Finally.

A Dodger spokesman said, “We traded Jolbert Cabrera to Seattle.” Cabrera at times last season was arguably the team’s best hitter, so you know they got something good in return.

(Unfortunately, I knew once the Dodgers discovered that I had drafted Cabrera for my fantasy baseball team, he was a goner.)

But if it’s going to make the Dodgers a better team, so be it, and so right away I was guessing the Dodgers had picked up Ichiro Suzuki or maybe Bret Boone.

“The Dodgers get two players,” the spokesman said.

Great. We get both. Suzuki will probably have to back up Dave Roberts, while Boone waits his turn behind Alex Cora, but depth is good.

“We get pitcher Aaron Looper,” the Dodger spokesman said with a straight face, and I wouldn’t have been able to keep from laughing. “And pitcher Ryan Ketchner,” who is deaf.

Can’t wait for the Dodgers to tell us how they pitched in high school.

But I understand why the Dodger spokesman wasn’t laughing; he was saving the punch line: “Looper will be shipped to the Dodgers’ triple-A minor league team, and Ketchner will be sent packing to double A.”

Dodger fans waited all last season for more firepower, all off-season and all Dodger management is doing now is delivering Loopers.

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THE DODGERS also traded Jason Romano to Tampa Bay for shortstop Antonio Perez, and you guessed it, Perez will be sent to triple-A Las Vegas.

Now if you add Looper’s, Ketchner’s and Perez’s minor league totals (and the fact they add nothing to the major league payroll) to the stiffs the Dodgers’ new computer GM picked up last week, that’s six acquisitions who have played in a combined 2,666 minor league games. Finally, a chance for the Dodgers to lead the league in something.

“I’ve actually gotten through this whole thing without a computer,” Paul DePodesta said, and as I told him, “It shows.”

Someone asked DePodesta if the Dodgers were rebuilding.

“Not at all,” he said. “Every move we’ve made is to bolster this club.”

I presume he was talking about the Las Vegas 51s.

DePodesta said the Dodgers could afford to get rid of Cabrera because they had Jose Hernandez. I wonder if they’ll call in additional staff to work the ticket windows today in anticipation of the long lines to see Hernandez this season.

Hernandez has 4,021 at-bats and 1,230 strikeouts, so it was hard to argue with DePodesta that Hernandez doesn’t fit in with these guys.

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A DODGER spokesman said the Boston Parking Lot Attendant was driving to Angel Stadium, and I have to admit with the price of gas these days, I was impressed. I hoped we might chat about his broken promises to date, but I figured he’d be waiting outside the park until the seventh inning when he could slip in for free, and I had a deadline to meet.

So I tried talking to DePodesta, who looks as though he’s lost 20 pounds since being hired.

“At least,” he said, and good, it will be more fact than cheap shot from now on when I refer to him as the Dodgers’ Certified Lightweight GM.

For some reason, I don’t think we hit it off very well. Of course, you mention “hit” in any sentence with someone working for the Dodgers these days, and they get defensive.

“There are a handful of competitive teams in our division,” he said, and I think that’s right: one, two, three, four and five, and here I was referring to him as the Certified Lightweight GM as if he didn’t know what he was talking about. “And I would think we’d have to be in the middle of that.”

I explained to him the idea in baseball is to be on top of the handful of teams in your division and not in the middle, and I couldn’t tell by his reaction if he was grasping what I was saying or not. He kept turning his head away the same way that former GM Dan Evans used to do, and I think it’s pretty clear now Evans wasn’t listening to what I said, and look what happened to him.

“I have very high expectations for this club,” DePodesta said, and that’s exactly what the Screaming Meanie, who is married to Frank McCourt, said recently.

I guess she thought last year’s collection of whiffers was good enough to make the playoffs, and listening to the Lightweight, he seemed to be saying the same thing in explaining why the Dodgers haven’t added a big-time hitter.

I asked DePodesta if he watched the Dodgers play last season.

As happy as the brass seems to be with their crummy players, it makes you wonder now about reports the Dodgers are talking about a trade to bring Milton Bradley here. You can’t exactly call Bradley a “gamer.” He doesn’t run out popups and the Cleveland Indians think he has attitude problems. But he is a cleanup hitter.

More important, he was sent to the minor leagues Saturday, which might make it hard for the Lightweight GM to pass him up.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Steven Rouse:

“Thanks for the $78.60. After reading your column earlier this week, I couldn’t wait to put $2 across the board on Frank Lyons’ horse.”

And from Doug Marion:

“I read what you said about TV analyst Lyon’s horse [Castledale] and how much of a stiff Lyons was and how his horse had no chance to win the Santa Anita Derby. I think an apology is in order, T.J. ... You got caught with your pants down.”

I make it a rule to never apologize when caught with my pants down.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers go to latimes.com/simers.