A Modest Proposal on Border Crossings

I’ve tried my best to solve the problem of illegal immigration the last several months, but I’m beginning to feel like the donkey chasing the carrot that’s just out of reach.

I suggested we end the American farm subsidies that drive Mexican campesinos north, but it won’t happen as long as politicians pander for the ranch vote.

I suggested we crack down on employers who hire illegals, but it won’t happen as long as big business owns Washington.

I suggested we help develop the Mexican economy, but it won’t happen because it makes too much sense.

I’ve tried to moderate a rational discussion, but I’ve been attacked from all sides.

So here we are, still saddled with immigration policies designed by the Mad Hatter. You can’t cross the border without papers, but if you manage to sneak in, we’ll gladly put you to work and might even give you a driver’s license.

It’s all by design, of course. Immigrants, an inexhaustible source of exploitable labor, help maximize profits for a few while accelerating the expansion of a permanent underclass.

But that comes at a cost. So maybe it’s time to get creative in addressing the ever-expanding population of California, the collapse of services and the threat to civil society posed by undocumented foreigners.

The problem is we’re rebuilding the wrong economy -- spending billions on Iraq and ignoring the disaster next door.

I say we declare war on Mexico.

Too rash? I think not.

It’s a corrupt and unstable state in obvious need of regime change for the sake of its suffering masses. And besides, Baja would make a great 51st U.S. state.

Any idea what we spend in foreign aid to Mexico?

About $35 million a year.

We literally hose away that much in less than a day in Iraq.

Sure, Mexican immigrants send home another $10 billion a year. But that doesn’t create jobs in Mexico; it just puts food on the table.

There were promising signs three years ago, when presidents George W. Bush and Vicente Fox tried to work out sensible immigration reforms to benefit both countries. But Sept. 11, and the fact that our political system seems unable to do two things at once, put the kibosh on that.

So why not war?

It would help if Mexico fired a Scud in the direction of San Diego to get things going. Mexico might take some collateral damage in return, but if Iraq is the model, billions of dollars in American aid will be coming down the pike in no time at all.

If Fox were sly, he’d scatter a few aluminum tubes at the ruins in Chichen Itza, and drop a hint that the elusive weapons of mass destruction may be buried there. He could also suggest an Al Qaeda connection to the Zapatistas in Chiapas.

But that’s not necessary. If Bush could declare war on the most secular state in the Middle East in the name of going after religious fanatics, it would be child’s play for him to make the case for a preemptive strike against Mexico. And I can help.

A recent survey tells us that Californians are worried big-time about the future of the state, and with good reason.

The population of 35 million could grow to 48 million in the next 20 years, and people are rightly worried about unprecedented gridlock and environmental destruction. Fifty-nine percent of the respondents in a Public Policy Institute survey said the growth will be a bad thing for them and their families.

I’m with them. The growth wouldn’t be such a problem if we committed to alternative fuels, mass transit, high-density housing, better schools and training for high-tech jobs.

But what are the chances? We won’t commit to any such thing, and California will be a teeming disaster.

All we’ve got to do is give Colin Powell a pointer and a slide projector, and it’ll be bombs away. Sure, Powell can say, this may look like a tequila distillery in Jalisco, but it’s actually a chemical weapons factory. And this may look like a harmless donkey-drawn wagon, but it’s actually a mobile weapons lab.

We could topple President Fox, plant a puppet regime, rebuild the economy and keep Mexicans on their side of the fence for a fraction of the billions we’re blowing in Iraq. Sure, the price of lettuce will go up. But traffic on the 405 may start moving again.

It wouldn’t be the first war with Mexico, either. Where do you think we got California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas? If the war drags on more than a couple of days, we can give back part of that territory if they’ll promise to quit sending insurgents north.

I say we cut Texas loose. Except for chili, has that state ever produced anything worth keeping?

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Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. He can be reached at steve.lopez@latimes.com.