A Lot to Write Home About
Dear Friends and Readers,
Sorry for the tardy holiday newsletter. My life is always exciting (some say “madcap”), but the past 12 months have been especially crazy.
Between falling out of a helicopter at 800 feet and landing on my feet without a scratch in January and then 10 months later dashing into a burning propane tanker on the 405 Freeway and rescuing the driver and his monkey, it’s been an eventful year.
Where to start?
None of my marriages worked out in 2004, but I refuse to let that discourage me. To friends who urged me on, I realize your hearts were in the right place -- even with “Claudia,” who we all thought was a woman. Believe me, someday we’ll all laugh about that one. Call me a sentimental old fool, but I keep telling myself, “One of these days
To state the obvious, county jail wasn’t where I planned to spend three weeks in July, but what can you do? The cop I wrestled to the ground before switching clothes with him and driving around in his squad car for two hours knew full well I was going to return it. Not to make excuses, but we both knew it was a prank. But he caught heat from higher-ups, who said they needed to “send a message.” Hey, message received.
Finally made it to the Himalayas in March, but you won’t believe what happened. Climbing Mt. Everest has been a lifelong dream of mine, and there we were in Nepal, ready to go, moleskin and all. To make a long story short, I got two-thirds of the way to the summit and then realized I’d left the stove on at home and had to get back pronto.
Talk about five grand right down the drain. But if you ever get the chance to see the Himalayas, do it!
It’s starting to sound like I had nothing but bad luck in ’04. Not true. I presume most of you saw me in “Troy,” the Brad Pitt thing last summer. I was in the 23rd row of Greek horsemen -- right before they went digital -- in one of the earlier battles. I took a spear in the forehead and took a dive. The movies may seem glamorous, but, let me tell you, that was a long day’s work.
I don’t mean to brag -- and maybe you already heard about this -- but I stood on my head for 11 hours, 37 minutes one day in September. Sure, it was stupid, but someone at church said he bet I couldn’t do it and I said I could, and the next thing you know....
Anyway, my head swelled up like a beach ball over the next week, and there was some mild concern about permanent disfigurement. Luckily, it didn’t happen, but my hat kept falling off. And, yes, I’m submitting the thing to the Guinness people.
I don’t want this be an overly long letter (enough about me, huh?), so let me just hit a few other highlights, in no particular order:
* Wrote President Bush’s State of the Union address.
* Spent the night at the governor’s residence and met Arnold Schwarzenegger for the first time. Unfortunately, we got into an argument over the bracero program, it turned ugly and I roughed him up pretty bad. We both felt awful afterward and apologized to each other.
* Pulled off the “stunt of the century” in August by playing two innings at shortstop for the Anaheim Angels. Didn’t get any action but what a kick. It was a lifelong dream to play in the majors, and management and regular shortstop David Eckstein couldn’t have been nicer. Hated to see this week that the Eck is moving on for next season.
* Had the winning lottery ticket for $80 million but didn’t turn it in. Realized it would just be a major hassle that I don’t need at this time in my life. Told the authorities about it, and they were cool. They said it happens more than you know.
Wow, another year gone. Great hearing from you in ’04 and wishing you all a Merry Christmas and happy holidays.
*
Dana Parsons can be reached at (714) 966-7821 or at dana .parsons@latimes.com. An archive of his recent columns is at www.latimes.com/parsons.