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The Perfect Candidate for Iraq

Patt Morrison's e-mail: patt. morrison@latimes.com.

Some time around high noon EST, three weeks from today, George W. Bush will be sworn in for a second term as president, or as some of us think of it, “Dubya Dubya Too.”

Ten days after that, Iraqis will strap on their body armor and go to the polls to vote for leaders of their own. More than 100 slates of candidates are in the running, but I know whom Iraq voters’ choice should be. Who better to govern Iraq than the man who broke it, bought it and now pledges to put it back together again: George W. Bush?

Like the Lone Ranger, Bush can make the claim to Americans that his work here is done. He has made his point: The Bush family second-term curse has been broken. It’s all lame-duck downhill from here. So why not share his gospel of freedom in person and double-down democracy?

There are so many reasons, political and personal, that Bush should be the president of post-Hussein Iraq. Iraq could suit Bush a lot better than the Beltway culture of white-shoe lawyers and lobbyists and think-tank intellectuals. The man who is pleased to “see freedom on the march” has earned the right to see it marching up close, from the reviewing stands of the Baghdad parade ground.

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The reasons for Bush to become president of Iraq:

* The United States is already on Bush autopilot; his agenda is safe in the hands of Dick Cheney, who wrote a lot of the playbook anyway.

* Karl Rove is getting bored and needs a real challenge, and Iraqi campaigning makes the rhetorical phrase “political bloodletting” real.

* Bush could wear his “mission accomplished” flight suit all the time.

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* Iraq is running out of its own politicians.

* Short campaigns mean less time to be caught in tongue-twisting contradictions.

* Bush can institute his Social Security reforms without carping from elderly voters’ lobby or economists -- Iraqis may not live long enough anyway.

* It guarantees that the U.S. gets exactly the kind of leadership it wants in Baghdad.

* As a Texan, he’ll fit right into a country that has more guns than cars.

* Iraq has a crying need for someone who knows the “awl bidness.”

* The climate is more like Texas’ than D.C.'s.

* Many Iraqi people also speak English with an accent.

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* Unmarried daughters have to live at home and stay out of trouble.

* Thanks to Saddam Hussein’s precedent, no problem defying international treaties.

* He could find himself signing a death warrant for Hussein, the guy who “tried to kill my dad.”

* No alcohol -- no temptation to fall off the wagon.

* No term limits.

* Iraqis love faith-based initiatives.


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