What’s big, beefy and blond? The Buzzies

Which clubs rocked our world in 2004? Presenting the “Buzzies”:

* Best new live music venue: the Vault 350 -- The Long Beach establishment is a perfect live music club, one that is versatile (Marilyn Manson, Johnny Lang, Pennywise, Keith Sweat, the Adicts) and built for easy stage viewing and easy access. The 1,200-capacity Vault is staffed by well-trained pros. And here’s the real kicker: In the last decade, we’ve been stuffed to the gills with corporate takeovers in every facet of nightlife. The Vault, independently owned and located in the LBC, makes the Sunset Strip feel like it’s run by the Third Reich.

* Best new bar: Golden Gopher -- The downtown watering hole has the je ne sais quoi of a trashy French-gothic speak-easy from the 1930s. But maybe it’s just the smart contrast of a downtown crowd in an uptown bar. Whatever the chemistry, partners Cedd Moses (Liquid Kitty / Cobra Lily) and Marc Smith (Three Clubs / North) promise there are four more coming, including the debut in April of Broadway Bar, which promises to bring old-time glamour to shabby-chic downtown. Party on.

* Best weekly live music showcase: the Lighthouse -- Hermosa Beach is so not Hollywood, which is why the Lighthouse’s Tuesday night showcase is such a smash. Every week, such bands as Instigator, Shotblue, Too Rude and the Smut Peddlers thrash their hearts out. The fact that no one from the industry will drive to the Lighthouse on a Tuesday somehow ensures its purity. The fact that the night is free and at the Lighthouse -- once a legendary jazz venue with spot-on sound -- just makes it even more brilliant.

* Best new burlesque show: Harlottique -- Built on a wing and a prayer, the earnest “Harlottique” found its feet in WeHo at Pearl nightclub, a new supper club that is filled to capacity each Wednesday as the ladies and gentlemen of “Harlottique” strut their stuff and shed their clothing to a six-piece jazz band. Oh, and at the Valentine’s shows in February, the dancers debut new costumes by Beverly Hills designer Richard Bowman, who’s dressed Britney Spears and is regarded as a postmodern Bob Mackey.

* Most innovative barkeep: Bobby Green -- He goes where no man’s gone before: Atwater Village / Bigfoot Lodge; Highland Park / Bat Cave and now Mission Hills / Lucky Tiki. And his audience goes with him. Each bar’s creative flair for drama is all explained in Green’s art background. The fact that his spots have gear-head undertones is what makes them rock. Green, a self-proclaimed car nut, brings all the greasers with him. And you know the drill, ladies love greasers.

* Best punk bar: Anarchy Library -- Hands down, the Anarchy Library in Downey can kick any other punk bar’s arse. And that’s just the women. Seriously, this bar is so great because there are great live music bookings, no pretenses and its interior feels like punk rock’s official living room. Now get those feet on the couch.

* Most improved nightclub: the Roxy -- We never thought we’d see the day that the veteran Sunset Strip nightclub the Roxy could recapture its illustrious past. But 2004 proved pivotal for the nightclub. Aesthetic renovations paid off by earning new fans, its bookings remain competitive and it scored the Strip’s biggest weekly hit, Metal Skool -- the Monday night rock club headlined by a wickedly brilliant rock ‘n’ roll comedy troupe.

* Most in need of improvement: Prey (formerly the Gate) -- Forget about the mediocrity of the design at the once great gothic club, what Prey really needs is an attitude adjustment. We’ve seen invited guests crudely tossed out and heard horror stories of abusive power. Thugs in clubland. Who knew?

* Best place to build a bar: the Cahuenga Corridor -- The facts are in. Those in the bar biz who banked on inner Hollywood’s renaissance are glad they did. The scene there is thriving, and now foodies are trying to make a go of it. If such restaurants as La Velvet Margarita and Geisha House have any legs, I’m sure we’ll see more. Bon appetit.

* Best promoter: Brent Bolthouse -- Here’s the drill in Hollywood and it’s been this way for years. If Bolthouse and his team of mo’fessionals are doing a night at your club, you’re in business. If not, well, you’re probably struggling. In 2004 alone, the Bolthouse crew injected weekly life into such clubs as Chi, Concorde, Xes, El Centro and Avalon. And that’s the short list. With the debut of his club Body English at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas, he’s flexing his star power.

* Scene queen: Paris Hilton -- Those legs, that pout. Hilton’s done more to ensure the success of Hollywood nightclubbing than Eva Peron did for Argentina. Or was it Madonna? Oh, who cares.... Her appearance in your club ensured tabloid photos seen round the world. And the fact that she was so accessible made it even mo’ better. You could get a quote and a snap in war and peace. Soldier on, hon.

* Scene king: Hugh Hefner -- Where’s there’s Hugh, there’s fire. As a columnist, there were times when I’d sleep a wink and the whole scene had moved. All I’d have to do is call up one of his bunnies, Zoey to be precise, who’d give me their itinerary. Presto! That’s where the action was. Long live the King!