Fashion terror won’t get the girl

My pal Steve asked me for some fashion tips for men who want to leave the house without embarrassing themselves. I started with the obvious: “First of all, no socks with sandals.”

“What’s wrong with that?” he demanded.

I glanced down. Uh-huh, you are way ahead of me. White tube socks, no less.

As he continued to natter away in favor of his footwear, I realized he needed more than friendly advice. He needed serious, inviolable rules -- and so did a lot of other guys. And so, I devised a male dress code, modeled on the government’s color-coded terror alert system.

Men: Clip and save this column. It’s for your own safety.

Code red: These will have the target of your affections running for the nearest shelter. You will definitely bomb.

* Socks with sandals (sorry, Steve).

* Jewelry of any kind. This includes rings, necklaces and bracelets. Now, Steve wears a little silver bear on a chain around his neck. He claims it is his “totem animal.” Thank God, Steve already has a girlfriend.

* Dirty, smelly, tattered clothes. It’s a wonder what a little detergent and an iron will do. Or a trash can.

* Shiny silk shirts. Leave them to the pimps.

* This final piece of wisdom comes from my friend Wayne, who says: “I have always been opposed to the death penalty. But I think an exception should be made for bald men with ponytails.”

Code orange: These transgressions involve ugly, loud colors -- what I call the sorbet colors. Men should not be caught dead, and certainly not alive, in mango, raspberry, lime or pink grapefruit. Even the most fabulous gay man would have trouble pulling off these hues. I don’t care if that shirt was on sale. Send it off to the Salvation Army so some poor schmuck in a Third World country can embarrass himself.

Code yellow: If you buy cheap clothes, you look cheap, and the cheap guy never gets the girl. This does not mean you have to spend a fortune. Four fine quality shirts are a much better investment than a dozen button-downs from Wal-Mart.

You don’t have to fly to London for tailor-made shirts at $1,000 a pop. Believe me, that is not the secret to Prince William’s appeal. But don’t go too far -- bypass the couture shirts with the fussy details. If you’re sporting pin tucks, you’ve passed the line from fab to fop.

The same applies to shoes. They should be made of a natural material such as leather, leather or leather.

Your watch need not be a gold Rolex, but it should be made of some sort of metal, not plastic. Unless you’re an underwater archeologist.

Code green: If you’ve still got your hair, congratulations. I’m happy for you. And I’m even more happy for me. Please get a simple, neat cut. No flips. No hair products. No highlights. Women simply don’t like men who look like Bob’s Big Boy.

Facial hair tips women off to a man’s relationship status. The more facial hair, the less likely a man is to be in a relationship. If he is approaching Saddam Hussein circa the spider hole, he hasn’t gotten any in years and may be contemplating a mail bomb.

If he has what I call “passive-aggressive” facial hair, like a goatee or a mustache, he most likely is in an unhappy relationship. It is passive-aggressive because no woman likes facial hair. If a man chooses to go fuzzy in the face of his woman’s opposition, he is asserting his independence or trying to get her to dump him, or both.

In a word: Shave.

Code blue: This is where the gentlemen are separated from the geeks. Are your shoes shined? Does your sock have a hole in the toe? Did you get a cheap haircut? Does your shirt have a small stain you thought no one would notice? At this level, it’s the details. The knight in shining, not tarnished, armor is the one who gets the babe.

Men, ignore these fashion terror alerts at your own peril.