It’s time to give TV news a real dressing-down

A recent Calendar article discussed TV newswomen who emphasize sexuality to promote themselves and their newscasts, even using magazines and websites to flaunt their physical attributes (“Anchors Take a Sexy Turn,” April 14). Reporter Greg Braxton observed that this phenomenon has heightened concerns about the boundaries between journalism and show business, with many denouncing the practice. I say the practice hasn’t gone far enough.

Face it, journalism is show business, especially in Los Angeles, where Arnold Schwarzenegger announces his candidacy for governor on “The Tonight Show,” a Google search of KTTV Channel 11’s Jillian Barberie nets 29,800 sites (the first two being “Welcome to Jillian’s World” and “AskMen.com -- Jillian Barberie”), and the battle for news ratings makes World War II look like a conflict between Oscar the Grouch and Cookie Monster.

With even journalistic programs occasionally paying for high-profile interviews, face it: There is no more boundary between journalism and show business. I say acknowledge it, accept it, have fun with it.

Here, then, are my suggestions for blurring the boundary even further. Just a few humble suggestions to TV news producers to guarantee ratings points in their nightly, increasingly show biz-oriented world.

Language: A rap-language newscast would go a long way toward connecting with that all-important youth demographic. Here’s a sample promo: “Yo yo yo, newsman G. Danger will be in the house tonight. So, what’s it gonna be? Him or me? We can cruise the world with pearls, Gator boots for girls, the envy of all women, crushed linen, Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in ‘em, the finest women I love with a passion, ya man’s a wimp, watch me smash him. Oh, yeah, and there’s some bad news today too. Be real witcha at 11.”

Location: Location is everything, so why be like all the other news programs, headquartered in some stodgy TV studio newsroom? For it is only when you start featuring your hottie news anchors broadcasting live from a hot tub in the Playboy Mansion’s Grotto that you will truly free yourself. Want to personalize it even further? Many people watch the news from their own bedrooms, so why not a live remote from Mindy Burbano’s bedroom?

Soundtrack: News shows suffer from the same, important-sounding, phony theme music. Lighten up! Wouldn’t the next riot in Manila or supermarket strike be easier to swallow accompanied by the soothing sounds of Norah Jones or Willie Nelson? Or make it interactive -- allow people at home to choose the sounds they’d like to accompany the broadcast. Anything from the soundtrack of “Chicago” to vintage Elvis to Blink 182 is surely more enjoyable than that generic, computerized nonsense.

Wardrobe: Outfits are getting more risque, but there’s still a long way to go. Here’s a tip: thongs and bustiers get ratings. Don’t let Victoria’s be such a Secret.

Lighting: Hire one of those cinematographers who give everything a soft-focused, rich, warm glow. Make it look like a film. The news is far too depressing to think of as reality. And while you’re at it, toss in a few special effects -- fade-outs, fade-ins, shots from above, extreme close-ups. Now we’re talkin’! Who’s making popcorn?

Dream Sequences: Why not? During the boring weather report, let’s do an extreme close-up of Sharon Tay, then dissolve to a dream sequence of what Sharon is fantasizing for the weekend. Each dream sequence could have its own guest star and director. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t tune in to see Quentin Tarantino directing a Sharon Tay dream sequence starring Ryan Seacrest.

Massages: This can work two ways. In one, as an example, Lauren Sanchez is delivering a very complex, numbers-oriented story, perhaps one about white-collar crime. But she’s getting a sensual massage while she delivers the story, so it’s exciting to watch. In the other way, the anchor is giving the massage. So we witness Paul Majers giving Martha Stewart an in-prison rubdown while he asks her about her plans for the future.

So why shy away from using sexuality and show business in our newscasts when we can embrace those life-affirming qualities and be mightily entertained in the process? Give the people what they want. And for those who don’t want this kind of thing, there’s always PBS. Though I understand that Jim Lehrer is giving serious thought to losing the tie and opening the top two buttons of his shirt. But you didn’t hear it from me.

Mark Miller is a comedy writer who can be reached at markmiller2000@comcast.net. He lives in Los Angeles.