Osama’s Really Bad Day

Now that the U.S. election is almost over, we can reveal the shocking contents of that Osama bin Laden tape that was so globally important 10 days ago. You remember, the one with the world’s most-wanted man in a new hat and appearing to flip-flop between hating John F. Kerry and George W. Bush.

Because it was sweeps week in Pushtunistan, they needed a big name to lead into the new reality series, “Who Wants to Be a Terrorist?” So five minutes of the Wanted One’s rambling remarks were broadcast and gained wide attention, though not enough viewers to beat donkey basketball. The tape may have been aimed at U.S. voters, as some suspect, but because it contained neither cartoon characters nor partially clad women, Americans paid little attention.

The Osama tape was actually 18 minutes long. What was Al Jazeera hiding on the other 13 minutes? After detailed analysis, it can be revealed here exclusively that the rest of Osama’s tape contained a disjointed, off-color holy harangue against the terrorist leader’s cable company.

It seems that Osama’s satellite TV dishes kept vaporizing in rocket explosions, so he switched to one of those three-months-free cable TV offers with movie and sports packages. The uber-terrorist has waited weeks for the installer’s arrival. Banging the cable TV brochure with his shoe hasn’t worked, and shooting in the air draws only helicopters.

Osama’s remarks likened the cable guy to parts of a camel (not the humps) and promised generations of jihad against the tardy repairman’s unborn descendants. Although Western cable subscribers and voters might sympathize with the waiting, Al Jazeera -- already in trouble for the quantity of explosions broadcast during children’s hour -- clearly feared new FCC complaints.

Interestingly, Osama also makes numerous demands of the National Football League. He wants game clocks to run up in time like soccer matches, feels referees should make all calls in Arabic and would replace the coin flip with an actual duel.

Analysts were puzzled by one ancient parable Osama recounted about a wife who put too much starch and too little fabric softener in her chaffed spouse’s clothes. Then they realized the tape was inadvertently left running and this actually explained why Osama wore borrowed robes in this appearance.

When parts of Osama’s tape slipped into Spanish with Gloria Estefan background music, rumors spread that the Arab was lip-syncing old Fidel Castro imperialism denunciations. Analysts reason that Osama is frustrated by lack of audience participation in the mountains, where even small groups tend to scatter at the first sniper shot. Osama has noticed on reruns that Castro gets good crowds in any Havana square and can talk on for three hours, or until he falls down.

By contrast, Osama, who’s even grown a Castro-style beard and is being measured for new custom combat fatigues, is lucky to win five minutes on-air and never gets a live audience. Judging by the tape’s focus, even Osama’s cameraman falls asleep. Speech microphones also have proved to be a serious problem in Tora Bora. It seems the extension cords run some 60 miles back to Pakistan, making connections precarious during landslides and assaults.

But that’s not all. Osama aides reveal he has a comb-over problem and relies on heavy makeup to look that attractive. Analysts were also intrigued by tape outtakes that caught an infuriated Mrs. Bin Laden berating a cowering terrorist leader about troops tracking mud into the family cave. They’re saving that for a Bin Laden bloopers special.