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'... Castro came loping across the Midwestern prairie on the back of a hippopotamus.’

This week’s big broadcast news set others in the medium to sniping.

“Dan Rather announced today that he’s stepping down as anchor of the CBS News, though he said he hasn’t been able to verify it yet, so it’s not official,” said Jay Leno. “He has a lot of offers. He might host the show ‘Ripley’s Believe it or Not.’ ”

The one-liners, however, could never top the newsman’s notorious Ratherisms, such as: “We’ve lived by the crystal ball, [and now] we’re eating so much broken glass, we’re in critical condition.”

Here are a few from presidential election nights in 2000 and 2004: Try to match each with the who, what or where Rather was talking about:

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1. ______ has “wobbled into Weirdsville,”

(a) Florida; (b) Bill O’Reilly’s phone behavior;

(c) George Bush’s diction

2. " ______ is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O.”

(a) Michael Moore’s logic; (b) Kim Jong II’s psyche; (c) Bush’s lead

3. “______ has run through Dixie like a big wheel through a cotton field.”

(a) Ron Artest; (b) Halo 2; (c) George W. Bush

4. “This ________ is as tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-hot car ride back from the beach.”

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(a) teddy under my suit; (b) anchor’s chair; (c) race

5. “This ________ is humming along like Ray

Charles.”

(a) lump beneath the president’s suit coat; (b) Hummer; (c) race

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6. Kerry’s ______ “is as thin as turnip soup.”

(a) charisma; (b) personal warmth; (c) lead

7. " ... Is ______ making your fingernails sweat?”

(a) the Michigan vote count; (b) my refusal to call Ohio; (c) the thought of Teresa “Hot and Spicy Ketchup” Heinz Kerry as first lady

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8. “One’s reminded of that old saying, ‘Don’t taunt the ______ until after you’ve crossed the creek.’ ”

(a) red states; (b) pajama bloggers; (c) alligator

9. “This situation in ______ would give an aspirin a headache.”

(a) Ohio; (b) the anchorman career longevity

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club; (c) CBS’ forged document division

*

ANSWERS: 1a, 2c, 3c, 4c, 5c, 6c, 7a, 8c, 9a


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