The Downside of Keeping Kids at Arm’s Length

My career as a Little League coach almost came to a premature end this summer after I was reprimanded for touching a player. No, not that way. I just grabbed him by the shoulders for a second to calm him down. But touching any part of a player’s body, even a way-to-go pat on the back or an affectionate head tap, is forbidden, prohibited, off-limits. Any such contact, I was informed by league officials, is against regulations because of concerns about lawsuits.

What a shame! Such is our fear of child molesters and trial lawyers that we can no longer show affection with our neighbors’ children.

I was rebuked, and I apologized to the player. But I’m not really sorry I did it. It all started when I and two other local dads signed up to coach a Little League “majors” team. This level is made up of the oldest players allowed in Little League, 11- and 12-year-olds. Like most Little League coaches, we volunteered primarily because our sons were on the team.

We had all coached before, when our sons were younger. What we did not realize is that a team full of 12-year-olds would be so difficult to control. At this age, when boys are in a group, they act like young wolves. They are always watching the alpha male in their pack. If he starts to chase an elk -- or show disrespect to a coach -- the rest will follow. They quickly gang up on their prey.

My authority was tested early in the season.

A hulking young lad with braces and a Babe Ruth swing struck out with the bases loaded. He came charging back to the dugout, slammed his bat into the rack and then started kicking the bench, splintering one of the planks. I ran over and told him to stop. He ignored me and continued kicking away. I grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him down on the bench. “That’s enough,” I said.

The other players had been watching us closely. With the angry player now under control, they turned back to the game. I had restored order, at least for that inning. After the game, however, he complained to another coach. That led to the reprimand.

For the rest of the season, I maintained order without physical contact. When players misbehaved, I just yelled at them. I do not think this was an improvement.

We have reached a sad state of affairs if men cannot discipline boys by grabbing them by the shoulders, or congratulate them after a home run by hugging them. Soon we may even hesitate to take hold of a child’s arm to guide him across a busy street.

Whenever an adult entrusted with the care of children is accused of molestation, the news media assign lurid headlines. Unfortunately, these stories offer little education about this emotionally charged topic. The fact is that most child abuse occurs in the home, committed by relatives or family friends, not at school or in sports leagues.

We have created a general paranoia among teachers and coaches about physical contact. Too often, we hurt our children more by not touching them. Instead of showing affection or disapproval, we are teaching them fear and passivity.