World-Class Outtakes

With the whole planet watching, America’s candidates dodge discussion of international crises by spouting world-class distortions. This skillful dodging takes practice.

DVDs of the 2004 debate rehearsals, already available on the streets of Shanghai, feature never-before-released outtakes, with campaign confidants standing in for debate moderators. Here are some excerpts, paired with more sober assessments offered by editorial cartoonists, of all people.

Karl Rove: Mr. President, in 60 seconds, can you describe the scale of the AIDS tragedy?

George W. Bush: It’ll take hard work, hard, hard work ... jes’ like the war on terr’, which is not winnable if a guy says ‘wrong war, wrong time, wrong place.

Rove: Uh ... you still have 30 seconds.

Bush: ... Er, wrong way, wrong turn, wrongheaded, Linda Wrongstadt....

Michael Moore: Sen. Kerry, is Iraq a debacle or a quagmire?

John Kerry: Look, I was in combat, and I’ll hunt and kill the terrorists. Imagine if I’d outsourced it to the Taliban, or to Mel Gibson. I knew John Kennedy. We have the same initials. And Mel Gibson is no John Kennedy. Look, divide the 6 billion people in the world into $87 billion, you get $14.50. I’ve consistently said you can’t buy body armor with that.

Condoleezza Rice: Mr. Vice President, update us on the emerging global water shortage.

Dick Cheney: Listen, water is an issue for the [expletive ] states. People should be able to make any kind of [coarse reference ] water arrangements they like. If some people want to sip that [reproductive function] French bubbly stuff, so be it. I drink tap.

Al Gore: Sen. Edwards, wouldn’t Sudan be better off in a lockbox?

John Edwards: I want to go back to something that was said a while ago. Howard Dean didn’t attack us, Osama bin Laden attacked us. And now Halliburton is getting no-bid contracts? That’s just wrong.