Dodgers Are Banking Fans Buy Into This Playoff Offer

The Dodgers will begin collecting your money for playoff tickets Friday, as several other contending teams are planning, but because of his reputation, if for some reason the Choking Dogs fail to clinch, I guess you have to ask yourself whether you’ll ever see the Boston Parking Lot Attendant again -- or for that matter, your money.

I prefer to look on the bright side, though, and would like to think this money-making scam, which could bring in somewhere between $5 million and $10 million in ticket sales -- and draw 5% interest while sitting in the bank as long as possible -- is the Boston Parking Lot Attendant’s only shot at raising the money to bring back Adrian Beltre.

The money-hungry Dodgers are also going to charge fans a $2 handling fee per ticket per game because you know how difficult it is for ticket sellers at Dodger Stadium to pass tickets from their hand to your hand. That’s an additional $48 for anyone who elects to buy the maximum of eight tickets for the three available playoff games.

If everyone does his or her part, maybe the Boston Parking Lot Attendant will make good on that $22-million loan that he defaulted on back home.

Dodger fans will have the chance to buy tickets to three division playoff games -- two of the three to be played here only if the Dodgers do well on the road to open the series, which means forget it if they play St. Louis.

There’s no mention on the Dodger website whether the Dodgers will return the money if the team chokes and fails to make the playoffs or doesn’t play the “if necessary” games.

But if the Dodgers can convince ticket buyers to roll the playoff money over toward season tickets next year -- thereby collecting more interest, they might not have to fight so hard in arbitration to shortchange Eric Gagne next season.

*

IT WAS nice to see Hideo Nomo get a couple of minor league rehabilitation starts against the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Which team is worse, the Arizona Diamondbacks or the Arizona Cardinals?

I’d like the Cardinals’ chances of at least beating the San Diego Chargers.

*

REMEMBER WHEN the Dodgers went public a day after pitcher Brad Penny injured his arm in his second start after the ridiculous trade with Florida, and they said he would sit out only one start?

I asked the Micro Manager whether the team was lying at the time (to avoid further criticism of the trade), or was the team’s medical staff inept? He never answered the question directly, which said a lot.

The Micro Manager also implied that, at best, Penny might return during the regular season in a relief role, and how do you like that trade now?

*

IT’S NOT exactly murderer’s row, but in the Dodger clubhouse Hee-Seop Choi, Brent Mayne and David Ross share side-by-side-by-side lockers, and are now hitting a combined .155. The stories they can tell about striking out.

The next locker in the row belongs to Shawn Green, and now there’s a hitting role model for you this season. Throw in Green’s performance since the trade of Paul Lo Duca, who is hitting .310 in a Florida uniform, and Green, Mayne, Ross and Choi were hitting a combined .200 before Tuesday night’s game.

*

THE DODGER website is asking the following question: Who would be your Game 1 starter in the playoffs?

Given the team’s present starting rotation, I answered Fernando Valenzuela, which probably counts in part for the 8% of the votes going to “Another Dodger” besides Jeff Weaver (42%), Kaz Ishii (6%), Odalis Perez (23%) and Jose Lima (22%).

Six percent would like to see Kaz Ishii start for the Dodgers? Maybe some folks figure he’d walk all the Cardinals rather than give them the chance to hit home runs -- smart thinking.

*

YOU KNOW the Boston Parking Lot Attendant would never do something as detestable as George Steinbrenner, demanding that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays forfeit a game because they elected to stay in Tampa with their families during the recent hurricane -- arriving late to Yankee Stadium.

No, the Boston Parking Lot Attendant would never risk losing the money that could be made in ticket sales, concessions and parking for another home game.

*

THE BEST thing that could happen to the sport of golf is Tiger Woods winning every tournament and the cameras catching Phil Mickelson crying. The next-best thing, a la the America’s Cup when the United States lost it and Dennis Conner had to go win it back, is forcing Woods to regain his status as the No. 1 player.

He’d still be No. 1, of course, if he hadn’t met a woman.

*

LATE TUESDAY I received the following news release: “Chargers Sign Haw to Practice Squad.” Like you, I assumed his first name was Hee and read no further.

*

PATRICK GALLAGHER e-mailed to say, “Salma Hayek turned 38 last week. The two of you sharing the same birthday is some kind of cruel joke.”

Cruel joke? You have that right -- pretty soon she’s going to be too old for me.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Leanne Robinson:

“T.J. Simers is an obnoxious, mean-spirited jerk. The Times choice to publish such a nasty and vitriolic article [about UCLA] is an embarrassment. And speaking of embarrassment, I would be mortified to be a Trojan and count Simers as a fellow USC supporter. I for one am a proud UCLA alum and show off my license plate holder proudly.”

That’s nice, but next time get out of the fast lane so I can pass you.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.