Doubtfire vs. Tootsie? We’d pay to see that

“The slasher horror flick “Freddy vs. Jason” scared off the competition for young males this weekend, coming in at No. 1 with an estimated $36.4 million ... it could mean there will be yet another sequel for the franchises, which have been around since the early 1980s.” -- Los Angeles Times, August 2003

“Alien vs. Predator,” which brought together two horror-film franchises ... took in an estimated $38.3 million and averaged an impressive $11,267 per theater in its opening weekend.” -- Los Angeles Times, August 2004

Coming August 2005:

“Mrs. Doubtfire vs.Tootsie: The Texas Birdcage Match”: The two greatest actors who ever lived, Robin Williams (“Hook,” “Flubber”) and Dustin Hoffman (“Hook,” “Dick Tracy”), proved their box-office machismo in the last century! Now, see them as a pair of graybeard cross-dressers looking to hoodwink a women’s wrestling league. Not only will you stretch your garter with belly laughs as they clash with each other, you may need a foam bosom to cry on as the crusty duo learns that friendship can make a tag-team for life!

“Beverly Hills Cop vs. Howard’s End”: It’s ebony and Merchant Ivory as the greatest comedian of all time, Eddie Murphy (“Holy Man”), finds himself chasing a murderer in the mansions of Victorian England. Did the butler do it? You’ll double over as Axel brings a sawed-off on the foxhunt -- and, with Emma Thompson (“Junior”), chases a fox of a very different sort.

“The Terminator vs. The Terminal: Accent on Danger”: America’s two most beloved film icons -- Tom Hanks and Arnold Schwarzenegger -- find their flight paths on a collision course in an epic movie filled with star-crossed refugee suspense! In this inspired tandem, Schwarzenegger (R-Calif.) brings even more nuance to his portrayal of everyone’s favorite robot assassin. His target this time: Viktor Navorski (Hanks). You know there will be a line for this opening night -- so govern yourself accordingly!

“Edward Scissorhands vs. Scent of a Woman: Blind and Bloody”: One can’t speak and can’t touch, the other can’t see and can’t shut up. When America’s favorite suicidal ex-Marine gets an eerie new caretaker, watch out! “Hoo-ah -- that hurt!”

“The Last Samurai vs. Dances with Wolves: Culture Shock and Awe”: John Dunbar (Kevin Costner) is an officer in the Union Army whose Civil War exploits won glory but also pushed him to the brink of suicide before he is reeducated, renamed and redeemed by a noble, doomed and exceedingly patient non-white culture. In an amazing coincidence, the exact same thing happens to Nathan Algren (Tom Cruise) -- but these white men can’t share their burden -- especially when the U.S. government relocates the Sioux to Japan. These two may be good at second languages but they never learned to play second fiddle. With these hunks fighting for tolerance, we may see these stars clash again -- on Oscar night!

“Boogie Nights vs. Anaconda”: This film not yet rated.

“Memento vs. Bourne Identity: Forget Me Not!”: Memories are made for a lifetime in this film -- but how long will that be when the bullets start to fly? “Who am I?” “I don’t know.” “Who are you?” I don’t know.” “I’m a killer.” “No you’re a killer.” “Wait.” “What?” “I’m not sure. “Hold it, let me read my wrist.” “Who am I?” “Why are you hurting me?” “Why are you hurting me?” “I asked you first.” “No, you didn’t.”

“Forrest Gump vs. Slingblade: Stupid Is as Stupid Kills!”: America’s most beloved Southern idiots square off when Gump’s shrimp company is ruined by oil runoff from Karl Childer’s ill-kempt mechanic’s shop. The film takes a dramatic twist when the pair find themselves in the bayou in a perilous battle of half-wits. Do you hear banjos?

“Rocky vs. Gandhi: Please Don’t Hit Me”: The universe’s most beloved Italian heavyweight boxer, Rocky Balboa, finds himself with one more chance to be a champ -- but this time the bout is in India and the opponent won’t fight! Or will he? Look out Rock, he’s wiry!

Geoff Boucher can be reached at geoff.boucher@latimes.com.