When You’re up to No Good, Maybe You Should Get Lost

I brought back a couple of gifts for you from my recent vacation: two stupid-criminal-tricks stories.

The first involves an alleged drug dealer who, in the words of the Long Beach Press-Telegram, was arrested “after flagging down a cop to ask for directions.” Seems he was making a, uh, delivery and got lost.

The officer noticed his cargo -- several packets of methamphetamine -- in plain view on the floor of the car.

The second incident involves a robber who snatched a bag from a woman walking her dog in San Diego. Obviously, the robber didn’t have the old thinking cap on, either -- let’s see ... dog, walk, bag ... hmmm.

Anyway, KFWB-AM (980) said that when the guy noticed the poop in the container, he didn’t throw it away but took it into the car with him.

I guess that’s one disadvantage of being a crook. Sometimes you have to go to unpleasant extremes to make sure no one gets your fingerprints.

Talk about heavy traffic...: A few years ago I published a snapshot by Kevin Buck of a sign that was apparently directed toward cruise ships sailing down Interstate 5.

Well, Fred Mandabach of Loma Linda remembered it and recently took the exit “to see if any cruise ships had exited.”

“Imagine my surprise,” he continued. “Not only is there a cruise ship exit, there is a cruise ship parking lot” (see photos).

Now I have a question: When the ship captain paid for parking, did the attendant climb up the front of the craft and put the ticket on the windshield?

Can he spell IRS? Bruce Clark spotted the sign of a tax-preparer who is hopefully better with numbers than with letters (see photo).

From taxes to death: Judy Trott of Sierra Madre sent along a note from an insurance company whose logic, if not tact, is faultless (see accompanying).

Adventures in the English language: The fun subject of death reminds me that I heard a mortuary ad that urged listeners to “begin pre-planning.” I, and I suspect many others, are already “pre-planning.” In other words, we ain’t planning at all.

Food for thought: It isn’t always easy to please Westside shoppers. But store personnel try. Hank Rosenfeld asked a security guard in a Whole Foods market on Wilshire Boulevard if he knew where the challah bread was.

Rosenfeld swears the guard asked: “Yeast or no yeast?”

miscelLANy: The day after the local ex-NBA champs were eliminated from playoff contention, I saw a car on the Santa Ana Freeway that displayed a Lakers flag. Oddly enough, it wasn’t hanging at half-staff.

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATimes, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012, and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.