No Cards, Boss, Just Fill the Fax
The dreaded annual event is almost upon us, fellow administrators. I’m not referring to the day the carpets are cleaned or the day when your most loathsome colleague returns from vacation. I’m referring to Administrative Professionals Day.
Let’s just get down to business and expose this day for the scam that it is. It’s an opportunity for Hallmark to sell cards (in fact, the company is offering 36 kinds of cards this year) and for self-absorbed co-workers to make themselves feel better about mistreating you (or worse, ignoring you) every other day of the year. It hasn’t yet occurred to them that if they were at the very least civil every other day of the year there would be no need for the giant mea culpa on APD.
Someone’s got to do the work we do. But let’s face it: It’s woefully unrewarding. Maintaining files and answering someone else’s phone is a recipe for brain numbness at the highest levels. Once you master the alphabet and nail your 1-900 porn voice, the thrill simply vanishes. Introduce me to the kid who says he wants to grow up to be a secretary and I’ll start shooting my very own “Scared Straight” documentary.
Secretary’s Day was created in 1952. Today, the U.S. Department of Labor estimates that there are 4.1 million workers serving in administrative capacities across the country. Less than 1% of them are men. Coincidence? I think not. Women are still more likely to fall into caregiver roles, whether we like it or not.
There’s also a National Boss Day. I failed to commemorate it last year, but only because it fell on a Saturday and because the bad weather limited my ability to stage the elaborate candlelight service I had planned. Irritatingly, Hallmark issued 47 kinds of cards for this occasion, 11 more than it put out for APD.
Look, why don’t we get rid of both of these holidays? The fact is that I am paid to do my job just as my bosses are paid to do theirs. I don’t need a special day to recognize my unique talents and contributions to the office environment, although they are many. Next thing, we’ll be celebrating “National Dog Walker Appreciation Day” and “Give Your Supermarket Checkout Person a Hug Day.” This is absurd! Why must everything be commemorated or recognized? Acknowledge my contributions each day by simply showing good manners. This isn’t Social Security reform, kids, it’s civility.
As a courtesy, I’ve compiled a short list of dos and don’ts to help jaded office workers everywhere better appreciate the work done by their office support staff.
Do paste them on the filing cabinet closest to your desk but don’t ask for help in affixing the tape.
1. Make eye contact when you arrive in the morning. We’re all tired and less than thrilled to be here, but it’s much easier to entertain your inane administrative question later in the day if you’ve at least made the effort to acknowledge my existence. By the way, my name is Alison. It’s with one “l.” That’s A-L-I-S-O-N.
2. Make at least a token attempt to solve problems yourself and spare me the agony of feeling as if I’m running an adult day-care facility. I know you did graduate work at Yale and were a Nieman fellow. And there’s that Pulitzer. So why is it that you can’t add paper to the fax machine?
3. You get more bees with honey. Let’s review the power structure. Unless you’re a bone marrow match, I can’t imagine requiring your assistance with anything. I, on the other hand, am a valuable resource to you on any number of issues. You’ll be amazed at how many blond moments may occur when you’re near my desk if I don’t like you.
4. Don’t ask me the same question over and over again. It’s tiresome. And for those of you from my office who are reading this, the mileage rate is $0.345 per mile.
Don’t get me wrong. There are elements of this job that are rewarding. In fact, I’m trying to think of some right now.
Seriously, I work with some very nice people who do appreciate me, and I them. I know that this work will not lead to a Nobel Prize (although they should take the topic under consideration) and that I’m not changing or saving lives, but I sleep well at night and there’s something to be said for that.
