The Pro Bowl, the NFL’s Sure Cure for Excitement

“One Last Final Last Game” is the pitch line on the ESPN commercial, and, yes, it is highly confusing.

Didn’t the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Calgary Flames play that one last June?

Additional research indicates that ESPN is talking about the 2005 Pro Bowl, not Game 7 of the 2004 Stanley Cup finals, a.k.a. the One Last Final Last Game in NHL history.

It’s a strange time to be a sports fan. It’s the second weekend in February, there’s no NHL on the tube, on the air or anywhere on the distant horizon, but there is one more NFL game to be played on Sunday, even if it is the least popular game on the NFL schedule, give or take Arizona at Detroit.

The Pro Bowl, much like the NHL these days, has some image problems. It is advertised as the NFL’s all-star game, but if it is, how come the New England Patriots -- pro football’s just-christened new dynasty, 32-2 in their last 34 games -- have zero players starting?

Quarterback Tom Brady, 3-0 in Super Bowl starts, is riding the AFC bench behind Peyton Manning.

Running back Corey Dillon, who gained 1,635 yards rushing, was not selected to the original AFC squad. He was added as an injury replacement for Edgerrin James before backing out for his own injury reasons, which meant Jerome Bettis had to be called in as the injury replacement for the injury replacement.

Defensive tackle Richard Seymour is out because of a knee injury.

Linebacker Tedy Bruschi was a late addition to the roster, filling in for the injured Ray Lewis.

And that’s it for Patriots on the AFC offensive and defensive depth charts. Meanwhile, the Indianapolis Colts, 20-3 losers to the Patriots in the divisional round of the playoffs, have four players in the AFC’s starting lineup. The Baltimore Ravens have three starters. The Cincinnati Bengals have two.

Oh, but the Patriots did have kicker Adam Vinatieri and “special team specialist” Larry Izzo named to the game. Evidently, Pro Bowl voters got a little mixed up. They kept hearing all this talk about New England being some sort of special team, so they figured they should vote for New England special teams players.

Then again, maybe the voters were doing the Patriots a favor by not voting for more of them. Troy Aikman, a six-time Pro Bowl selection, recently told USA Today, “Nobody wants to play in the Pro Bowl. Everybody wants to be voted in. Everybody wants to be in Hawaii. But nobody wants to play.”

And even people already in Hawaii apparently don’t have much interest in the game. After 25 consecutive Pro Bowl sellouts, the NFL had to give this one an extra 24 hours to sell enough tickets at Honolulu’s Aloha Stadium to avoid a local television blackout.

ESPN, broadcasting the game at 4:30 p.m. PST because somebody has to, is faced with a doubly daunting task: How to manufacture buzz for a game nobody wants to play and nobody wants to watch. This year, the bells and whistles will include microphones on 12 players, including every quarterback, and “numerous live sideline interviews,” so viewers can catch up on all the Pro Bowl gossip on where Randy Moss is going to be traded.

Another new wrinkle: the NFL’s very own skills competition, to be shown, tape-delayed, today at 3 p.m. This is going to bring in viewers? A kicking competition featuring Vinatieri and David Akers, but not Doug Brien? A pass-catching competition including St. Louis Rams, Kansas City Chiefs and Pittsburgh Steelers, but not one Seattle Seahawk? Where’s the suspense?

Well, there is this: For the second consecutive year, ESPN and the NFL have asked fans to vote for two plays they want to see called during the game, one by each conference. The fans’ selections will be forwarded to both coaching staffs, and from there, the tension mounts.

Will Donovan McNabb be the NFC quarterback asked to run the fans’ play? And if so, how long will it take him to run it?

Philadelphia Eagle fans, used to the process by now, will be waiting.

Also available for viewing this weekend:

TODAY

* NASCAR Nextel Cup Budweiser Shootout (Channel 11, 5 p.m.)

Are you ready for some exhibition stock-car racing? Too bad ESPN isn’t televising. Borrowing a page from Fox, it could have brought in Sean Salisbury for the post-race show to say “Great race!” and then start hyping the network’s Pro Bowl coverage.

* Arizona at UCLA

(FSNW, 5 p.m.)

The Bruins and their fans gather at Pauley Pavilion in an attempt to upset the 12th-ranked Wildcats, solidify their hold on third place in the Pacific 10 Conference and discuss what’s up with Steve Lavin’s hair.

* Arizona State at USC

(FSNW2, 7:30 p.m.)

Only 4,415 spectators showed up at the Sports Arena on Thursday night to watch the Trojans lose to Arizona by 12 points. Where did all the USC fans go? That’s easy. They were all in Internet chat rooms, trying to figure out the best way to replace Norm Chow.

SUNDAY

* San Antonio Spurs at Miami Heat

(Channel 7, 10 a.m.)

The first half of a doubleheader matches the center Karl Malone used to play with against the team Malone almost played with in a showdown of teams contending for the prize Malone never won: the NBA championship.

* Lakers at Cleveland Cavaliers

(Channel 7, 12:30 p.m.)

And in the second half of the doubleheader, a big rivalry game: Kobe Bryant possibly making his return to the Laker lineup against the kid on the Cavaliers who grabbed all of Bryant’s old endorsements.