Read it here first
Sick of reading all those boring roundups of the top stories of 2004? Wouldn’t you rather get a jump on the top stories of 2005?
Our resident psychic is here to help:
JANUARY
Martha Stewart is caught trying to tunnel her way out of prison. Officials say the escape plot would have succeeded if Stewart hadn’t spent so much time decorating the tunnel with imported Italian tiles, woodland accent pillows and festive wall sconces made from shivs.
Elections are held in Iraq. Early exit polls show Sen. John F. Kerry with a slight lead, but the race is too close to call amid charges of voter fraud in Baghdad, Fallouja and Ohio.
FEBRUARY
During the Super Bowl halftime show, Paul McCartney sings “When I’m 64” (soon to be retitled “When I Was 64”). Everything proceeds smoothly until Justin Timberlake appears onstage and inadvertently causes a “wardrobe malfunction” that reveals the ex-Beatle is wearing Depends.
Reconnaissance planes spot Osama bin Laden riding a white camel through southern Afghanistan. When ground forces move in, Bin Laden leads U.S. troops on a slow-speed camel chase before finally surrendering.
MARCH
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger tries to fix the state’s budget crisis by mailing a “Deficit Reduction Chain Letter” to 10 other states, asking each to send $500 million. The letter notes that bad luck has befallen states that broke past chains.
Fearing car bomb attacks in retaliation for the arrest of Bin Laden, U.S. officials order all taxi passengers to pass through curbside metal detectors. The program causes so many delays that passengers must arrive at a curb three hours before they actually need a taxi.
APRIL
Hollywood’s obsession with sequels ensnares the critically acclaimed film “Sideways.” Production begins on “Diagonally,” in which Jack and Miles travel to the Florida home of Bernie and Roz Focker (played by Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand).
The Dodgers, in yet another baffling move, trade relief pitcher Eric Gagne for a $50,000 cloned cat.
MAY
Author Mitch Albom publishes “The Five People You Meet in Hades.” The list: Albom, Albom, Albom, Albom and Albom.
JUNE
L.A.’s King/Drew Medical Center comes under fire again. State investigators link the troubled facility to global warming, the War of 1812 and poor gas mileage in SUVs. Another report says the hospital was on the grassy knoll when President Kennedy was assassinated.
The Dodgers move into first place, thanks in large part to the surprising pitching of their cloned cat, who throws a wicked hairball at 99 mph.
JULY
The sixth “Harry Potter” book is released. Titled “Harry Potter and the Accelerated Aging Potion,” it explains why the actors in future movie versions of the book will appear to be 30 years old.
Finally realizing that their wardrobe shticks have grown tiresome, white-suited author Tom Wolfe and pajama-clad playboy Hugh Hefner swap outfits.
AUGUST
Howard Dean is cast in the title role for the movie “Scream V.”
The WB television network finally hits No. 1 in the ratings, thanks to a reality-show adaptation of Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ” in which annoying celebrities are beaten and scourged. The first episodes are titled “The Passion of Paris Hilton” and “The Passion of Donald Trump’s Hair.”
SEPTEMBER
In the biggest technological breakthrough of the century, Ronco introduces the Crawl Blocker, which erases all those news tickers that crawl across the bottom of the TV screen when you watch CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and other stations. Viewers who use the device are shocked to discover that Fox host Bill O’Reilly wears no pants.
Shortly after scientists at Caltech invent the world’s first time machine, Chrysler rolls out a sport-utility version that gets 14 years per gallon. Many buyers use the vehicle to live in other eras and commute to work in the present. Some live in the 1950s because housing is cheap and schools are safe. But during rush hour, it can take them years to reach today’s world, especially if there’s an accident in the space-time continuum. When a time-traveling big rig overturns in the year 1985, traffic is forced to detour through the Middle Ages.
OCTOBER
Baseball owner Arte Moreno, who renamed his team the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in an attempt to “enhance the club’s marketability,” inspires a new trend. The Boston Marathon becomes the Maui Marathon of Massachusetts. And Jack-in-the-Box christens itself Spago-in-the-Box.
NOVEMBER
At his trial, Osama bin Laden pleads not guilty to the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, insisting he was chipping golf balls outside his cave in Afghanistan at the time.
Shaky economic conditions cause TV networks to cut costs by revamping shows. “CSI: New York” becomes “CSI: Barstow.”
DECEMBER
Under pressure from liberal groups, Disneyland changes the name of the Mad Hatter to the Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder Hatter. It also adds a carpool lane to the Autopia ride.
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Roy Rivenburg can be reached at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.