Over? Like, no way!
In the wake of the announcement of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s separation, the Internet was overwhelmed with chat about the breakup. The following private e-mail exchange was “accidentally” sent into The Times’ computer network and wound up in print.
Brainiac92: I know you’re not supposed to IM unless you’ve finished your homework, but this is an emergency. Did you hear about Brad and Jen?
Dancergrl: I’m waterlogged over here, not ignorant. People magazine published early for it.
Brainiac92: I was totally shocked. What do you think happened?
Dancergrl: Well, People and even USA Today say he wanted to have a baby, and she wasn’t sure enough about their relationship. I also read that they were both traveling around making movies, and they didn’t spend much time together.
Brainiac92: Puhleez. My grandma says, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
Dancergrl: I don’t get it.
Brainiac92: It means if they were too busy to be together, it’s because she’s just not that into him. Or the other way around. Anyway, most of the stuff you hear about celebrity couples is only part true -- the part they want you to know. Of course, that didn’t stop me from buying the 14 issues of People last year that had Brad and Jen or just Jen or Brad on the cover.
Dancergrl: Me either. It’s so weird. My mom was actually upset. She called a guy she knows who’s deputy managing editor of People, and he said lots of sane people have reacted like her. “There’s a sadness that this golden couple split up,” he said. “They don’t come more golden than these two. When the romantic paradigm isn’t fulfilled, it’s disappointing. Celebrity gives you a sense that you know these people.”
Brainiac92: Absolutely! It’s like you’re rooting for your friends to be happy.
Dancergrl: Nobody rooted for Ben and J.Lo.
Brainiac92: As if. Britney’s five-minute marriage was a big turnoff too. But Brad & Jen acted kind of like grown-ups.
Dancergrl: You have to be really careful about who you get married to. If Jen had married someone who wasn’t famous, everyone would have said, “What’s she doing with that plumber?” So she marries a movie star, and it’s curiosity squared. It isn’t their fault they’re hounded by paparazzi 24/7. I don’t get the feeling they’re big showoffs, like Paris Hilton.
Brainiac92: They seemed so normal. She wore cargo pants. They hung out. The story in People said they had problems balancing their jobs and their personal life. Even that’s kind of normal. My parents yell at each other when one of them works too much.
Dancergrl: Yeah, but your dad doesn’t have to work with Angelina Jolie, like Brad Pitt. It’s so cheesy that people always look for another person to blame a couple’s problems on. Maybe that’s not it at all. I’m bummed. Brad and Jen were so beautiful together.
Brainiac92: You are too shallow to live. But y’know, Katie Couric said the same thing on the “Today” show. She said they were both so attractive, they seemed like such nice people, blah blah blah. My stepfather and his third wife looked great together too, but she was a nightmare and he’s a moron, so you never know.
Dancergrl: Funny how everybody seems to care that these two incredibly famous, fabulously wealthy people are breaking up.
Brainiac92: Well, you’d think with all they have going for them, they should just have the perfect life.
Dancergrl: Somebody should.
Brainiac92: At least the nice girl next door and the gorgeous, cool guy. He’s tight with George Clooney and Matt Damon, so it’s like he sits at the cool kids’ table. She has regular girlfriends, like Courteney Cox. Oh, just shoot me. Who knows if she’s regular? Anyway, you never hear anything bad about Brad or Jen. They haven’t been in and out of rehab, or cheated on anyone, as far as we know. They have good manners. He never punched a photographer. They don’t get caught going on dumb shopping sprees like Bennifer. Even the way they broke up was classy. Their statement said, “We ask in advance for your kindness and sensitivity in the coming months.” She seems kind of smart, not too full of herself.
Dancergrl: Maybe they just have really good publicists who protect them, and they figured out how to ace a Barbara Walters interview. They are actors, after all. You love their images.
Brainiac92: We do know she wasn’t in it for money. “Friends” made her so rich. If you think about it, neither one of them needed the other in any kind of cynical way. He’s a gigantic star around the world. She’s been making one movie after the other since “Friends.” It sure looked like they were in love.
Dancergrl: Yeah, when one star is more famous than the other, people say nasty stuff. Remember when Tom and Nicole were together, and everyone said she wouldn’t have gotten parts if she wasn’t Mrs. Cruise? Maybe being famous isn’t really that much fun.
Brainiac92: My brat sister was on a website Jen did for girls where she said she and Brad didn’t have sleepovers for the first nine months.
Dancergrl: Ewwww! TMI. Wouldn’t you just hate everybody knowing about your sex life?
Brainiac92: I don’t know. Ask me when I have one. I’m only 12.
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Mimi Avins can be reached at mimi.avins@latimes.com.